I haven't cum in...goodness, five days? Certainly since last Friday. I totally blame the fact that I let myself get pulled into the middle of the latest (and I think last) fight of Ingrid and her boyfriend. He lied...again...and then he wrote me on Facebook. I checked with Ingrid that I could message him back, and that led to me basically giving him projects and advice on how to try and stop (because he does understand this is a big deal and that if he were to get her back again he really couldn't fuck up again).
Enough of that, it was a mess and I finally pulled myself out of it today. I am an advice-giver by nature I think, and it was starting to get messy for me. And totally killing me, because he does have lots of good points (LOTS), and because he sort of acts like scolded puppy. I would give her 10% blame, because she is an attacker, and no matter if he tells the truth or not she still holds some sort of grudge about it and keeps hounding about the past lies. Just not good.
Again...ENOUGH. Ok, so I'm getting damned horny though. I really need to get off. My parents have left for the weekend to visit my brother and nephew, and so the house is quiet and all left to me! Which means screaming orgasms! Yes!
A very nice guy has sent me a few really hot stories, so tonight I think it will be me, my fingers, my toys, and stories and porn. And tomorrow...same thing. I'm damned excited to get wet, that nice pulse going in my pussy, creaming in my panties. The latest romance novels I have been reading have been so damned hot I can hardly contain myself. One hero said to his heroine when they were about to have sex (in a little bit of a slightly forced scenario--forced to begin, then turned into very unforced) that ifshe wouldn't put the condom on him he would be more than happy to cum deep inside her, over, and over again and get her heavy with his child, because nothing would make him happier.
Damn near creamed my panties right then. Such an amazing fantasy, just thinking of it...her legs wide open, held open by his hands so that her pussy is revealed beautifully, his cock bobbing delectably in front of her wet cunt. He is poised to take her, ready and rock hard for it, sweating with the effort of restraining himself...
If she had not put the condom on it would have been even more delicious. Him thrusting into her in one deep slide, her back arching and her diamond nipples raking down his chest as he is above her, her pussy contracting around him in near-orgasm and her nails scraping down his back in ecstacy.
Fuck...yeah, I have to cum soon.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Mad Mad Virginity
I had to laugh the other day, one of the first days that I laughed after the whole Naughty business went down, when The Naughty One asked me if she could ask me a personal question. She and I haven't actually met in person, and frankly I can talk about pretty much any and everything, and yet we are always unfailingly polite in making sure that the other person knows when a doozy of a question is coming. This one wasn't actually that much of a doozy, but it was still nice of her to warn me.
I must have been giving off some crazy or desperate or something vibes, because her question was, "Are you a virgin by choice or just from lack of opportunity?" I seriously did laugh, because when you expect a horribly painful question and get one that you are pretty comfortable with you get that giddy relief. I laughed again a few days ago when I got an email from someone who asked if I was still a virgin since I talked about sex with Naughty so much. He just wanted to clarify that I was talking about cyber-sex and not real sex. He even congratulated me on losing it as a precaution! That was kinda cute, I admit. I wrote him back and said no, my virginity is still intact (even if my sex toys broke my hymen years ago).
Firstly, two years ago I would have said that I am a virgin mostly from lack of opportunity. I still am fairly inexperienced in the dating scene, we all know that I haven't given a blow job, or been eaten out, or really done anything beyond the kissing and minor breast (outside the clothes) groping in the sexual realm (at least not with another person! Heehee). I will admit that I am picky, because I have had a few opportunities that I just didn't take and didn't want to take for any number of reasons.
Now though, I would probably put myself more into the camp of virgin by choice. I was probably more virgin by choice than I recognized back then anyway, but between self-consciousness and general insecurity I felt more like it was lack of opportunity. My blog also helped in this regard, because my self-esteem has increased exponentially in the last year and a half. It's been in a drought for the last month, but it's slowly coming back.
I will give props (and it kills me to do this at the moment) to Naughty, as well as to Phone Sex Guy from last year (remember him? Check out December 2007 archives if you don't), for making me recognize that 1) I'm kind of a traditional girl at heart when it comes to my virginity, not a full on wait-for-marriage-itself type, but I could see myself waiting for engagement, and 2) I value my virginity like a damned Regency heroine!
Now, the last thing might be a little melodramatic, but I do sort of prize my virginity in a way. I'm the last girl I know (or at least that I know well) who still has her virginity, and I don't really see myself losing it anytime soon, because I'm a lot more comfortable waiting for the right guy on that end of things. I thought Naughty was going to be that guy...but we all know how that went (badly, for those of you just tuning in).
I do like feeling desired, and I have had a number of emails that have helped greatly in that regard. Even if they don't know what I look like, and are imagining Heidi Klum instead (which means they clearly haven't been reading this blog very long if they could imagine Heidi Klum--I'm way too short for that *wink*), I still like it.
So, the virginity stays intact, and all the other inexperience along with it, but that's pretty okay with me. I'd rather concentrate on me, and being the best me I can be (cheesiness alert!), than worrying all the time about when I'm going to be losing my virginity. I might value it, but it isn't so important that I'm going to concentrate on it everyday until it's gone. For now, I'll just hone my imagination and imagining all those delightful blow jobs and cum sessions that I will bestow on some lucky fellow. ;-)
I must have been giving off some crazy or desperate or something vibes, because her question was, "Are you a virgin by choice or just from lack of opportunity?" I seriously did laugh, because when you expect a horribly painful question and get one that you are pretty comfortable with you get that giddy relief. I laughed again a few days ago when I got an email from someone who asked if I was still a virgin since I talked about sex with Naughty so much. He just wanted to clarify that I was talking about cyber-sex and not real sex. He even congratulated me on losing it as a precaution! That was kinda cute, I admit. I wrote him back and said no, my virginity is still intact (even if my sex toys broke my hymen years ago).
Firstly, two years ago I would have said that I am a virgin mostly from lack of opportunity. I still am fairly inexperienced in the dating scene, we all know that I haven't given a blow job, or been eaten out, or really done anything beyond the kissing and minor breast (outside the clothes) groping in the sexual realm (at least not with another person! Heehee). I will admit that I am picky, because I have had a few opportunities that I just didn't take and didn't want to take for any number of reasons.
Now though, I would probably put myself more into the camp of virgin by choice. I was probably more virgin by choice than I recognized back then anyway, but between self-consciousness and general insecurity I felt more like it was lack of opportunity. My blog also helped in this regard, because my self-esteem has increased exponentially in the last year and a half. It's been in a drought for the last month, but it's slowly coming back.
I will give props (and it kills me to do this at the moment) to Naughty, as well as to Phone Sex Guy from last year (remember him? Check out December 2007 archives if you don't), for making me recognize that 1) I'm kind of a traditional girl at heart when it comes to my virginity, not a full on wait-for-marriage-itself type, but I could see myself waiting for engagement, and 2) I value my virginity like a damned Regency heroine!
Now, the last thing might be a little melodramatic, but I do sort of prize my virginity in a way. I'm the last girl I know (or at least that I know well) who still has her virginity, and I don't really see myself losing it anytime soon, because I'm a lot more comfortable waiting for the right guy on that end of things. I thought Naughty was going to be that guy...but we all know how that went (badly, for those of you just tuning in).
I do like feeling desired, and I have had a number of emails that have helped greatly in that regard. Even if they don't know what I look like, and are imagining Heidi Klum instead (which means they clearly haven't been reading this blog very long if they could imagine Heidi Klum--I'm way too short for that *wink*), I still like it.
So, the virginity stays intact, and all the other inexperience along with it, but that's pretty okay with me. I'd rather concentrate on me, and being the best me I can be (cheesiness alert!), than worrying all the time about when I'm going to be losing my virginity. I might value it, but it isn't so important that I'm going to concentrate on it everyday until it's gone. For now, I'll just hone my imagination and imagining all those delightful blow jobs and cum sessions that I will bestow on some lucky fellow. ;-)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dominatrix Schooling
I've been obsessively listening to "Crazy" by K-Ci & JoJo (look up the lyrics and you'll figure it out), which admittedly is not a song that inspires dominatrix ideas in my head, but that is exactly what I have been researching for the past two days.
I'll provide this warning/admission: I am no dominatrix. Other than some switch fantasies I actually would put myself more into the submissive category for the most part. However, I am open to just about everything in the world of BDSM (leaving out the more violent, the blood-drawing, and the weaponry paraphilias), and so when my dear friend said she had a new project for me I was quite excited.
The project is literally to teach her/give her some information on going Domme on her boyfriend. This is Ingrid, so she is very uncomfortable talking about sex without some liquor most of the time. She was even sober when she told me about it! Her family is pretty traditional/conservative and while she is very open sexually and willing to do lots and lots of things, she just cannot talk about it. But her boyfriend is into the idea of being Dommed, and she is into the idea too...hell, she just kind of Domme's him naturally. Sounds like he is a bit of a switch, because he wants her to tie him up, but wants to tie her up sometimes too (and does). If you really don't believe someone can be comfortable with sex and not be comfortable talking about it, she just read my most recent Erotica entry (I emailed it to her, not ready for her to actually LOOK at my blog!) and didn't bat an eye about it (including that there was piss play in it), but she just said "pussy" for the first time in her life on Saturday, and had to say she had said "the p-word." Is it weird that pussy is so ingrained into my vocabulary that I thought, "Penis? Why's that a big deal?"
I give myself some kudos for having taken her out of her shell a bit on the talking about sex. I mean, she whispered "Dominatrix" but she did say it in public! Trust me, she would have formerly needed to take me into the bathroom and make sure no one was in there before she would say it.
Now, I know some of my readers are truly into lifestyle BDSM and there are probably one or two Doms and Dommes out there too, and I would ADORE your opinions on how someone who really hasn't played with this could get more into it in a slower way (I don't think she is much for really beating him up--I don't think either of them are there). I'm pretty confident she can get into it, and am trying to find some toys and outfits (he's very into the outfits and that "traditional" Dominatrix look of thigh high boots and black vinyl corsets, and she loves costumes) that she might be comfortable starting with. Frankly, from what I know of her and from what I know of her comfortableness with talking about sex and the generally "vanilla" world that she has lived in for sex up to this point, I think something like sensory deprivation and general sensation play is the way for her and him to go starting out. There will definitely be some bondage in there as well, but I hardly need to teach her how to tie a rope, as they will have some sort of cuffs for sure.
I do apologize to everyone out there that I will probably seem ignorant to about this...and I am for the most part...but I am also big on research. "Safe, sane, consensual," will definitely be a discussion she and I have. I wrote her a little manual on the basics (from my standpoint--and it probably isn't 100% complete) of dirty talk, and even dirty talk from my few experiences Domming Naughty. She found it very helpful, which I'm glad for. I just thought it was best she start off slow in that vein. Luckily, they have already begun discussions about what exactly he is hoping for. She is open to just about anything, except those more violent sides that I discussed above briefly. He doesn't want a collar, or anything around his neck, and she got she impression things like gag-balls would not be good.
Any opinions from anyone? I promise I won't just send her off with whatever information I have, I plan on sending her excessive amounts of literature on the subject over the next few days, and helping her figure out more of what he expects and what she is comfortable with.
Safe, sane, consensual...that's the next discussion for her. Send me thoughts!!! I love them!
I'll provide this warning/admission: I am no dominatrix. Other than some switch fantasies I actually would put myself more into the submissive category for the most part. However, I am open to just about everything in the world of BDSM (leaving out the more violent, the blood-drawing, and the weaponry paraphilias), and so when my dear friend said she had a new project for me I was quite excited.
The project is literally to teach her/give her some information on going Domme on her boyfriend. This is Ingrid, so she is very uncomfortable talking about sex without some liquor most of the time. She was even sober when she told me about it! Her family is pretty traditional/conservative and while she is very open sexually and willing to do lots and lots of things, she just cannot talk about it. But her boyfriend is into the idea of being Dommed, and she is into the idea too...hell, she just kind of Domme's him naturally. Sounds like he is a bit of a switch, because he wants her to tie him up, but wants to tie her up sometimes too (and does). If you really don't believe someone can be comfortable with sex and not be comfortable talking about it, she just read my most recent Erotica entry (I emailed it to her, not ready for her to actually LOOK at my blog!) and didn't bat an eye about it (including that there was piss play in it), but she just said "pussy" for the first time in her life on Saturday, and had to say she had said "the p-word." Is it weird that pussy is so ingrained into my vocabulary that I thought, "Penis? Why's that a big deal?"
I give myself some kudos for having taken her out of her shell a bit on the talking about sex. I mean, she whispered "Dominatrix" but she did say it in public! Trust me, she would have formerly needed to take me into the bathroom and make sure no one was in there before she would say it.
Now, I know some of my readers are truly into lifestyle BDSM and there are probably one or two Doms and Dommes out there too, and I would ADORE your opinions on how someone who really hasn't played with this could get more into it in a slower way (I don't think she is much for really beating him up--I don't think either of them are there). I'm pretty confident she can get into it, and am trying to find some toys and outfits (he's very into the outfits and that "traditional" Dominatrix look of thigh high boots and black vinyl corsets, and she loves costumes) that she might be comfortable starting with. Frankly, from what I know of her and from what I know of her comfortableness with talking about sex and the generally "vanilla" world that she has lived in for sex up to this point, I think something like sensory deprivation and general sensation play is the way for her and him to go starting out. There will definitely be some bondage in there as well, but I hardly need to teach her how to tie a rope, as they will have some sort of cuffs for sure.
I do apologize to everyone out there that I will probably seem ignorant to about this...and I am for the most part...but I am also big on research. "Safe, sane, consensual," will definitely be a discussion she and I have. I wrote her a little manual on the basics (from my standpoint--and it probably isn't 100% complete) of dirty talk, and even dirty talk from my few experiences Domming Naughty. She found it very helpful, which I'm glad for. I just thought it was best she start off slow in that vein. Luckily, they have already begun discussions about what exactly he is hoping for. She is open to just about anything, except those more violent sides that I discussed above briefly. He doesn't want a collar, or anything around his neck, and she got she impression things like gag-balls would not be good.
Any opinions from anyone? I promise I won't just send her off with whatever information I have, I plan on sending her excessive amounts of literature on the subject over the next few days, and helping her figure out more of what he expects and what she is comfortable with.
Safe, sane, consensual...that's the next discussion for her. Send me thoughts!!! I love them!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Cocksucking Repost
This is actually a re-post of one of my stories from my Erotica blog (I know, I'm so bad at updating that thing). For some reason I have been feeling love-hate with the idea of sucking a cock lately. I know, I know, you are all thinking, "I think you've been feeling love-hate with a whole LOT of things lately." I have, I am aware of this entirely, but frankly that there is still the love part there is a boon and somewhat of a surprise. I've held onto it, so I'm happy with that for now.
Last night I was looking for porn to get off to, and really wanted to see an awesome video of a woman sucking a man's cock. Amateur for sure, and just watching her enjoying it as much as I feel I would. Doing that to Naughty, and just making him cum even when I couldn't (like when I was at school), always made me so damned wet. I adored describing it so much and knowing how to drag it out, and then just what to do that always seemed to set him off.
I got a whole heck of a lot of comments on this following "story" on Always On Erotica, and it is definitely one of my proudest acheivements in the erotica category, so I think it is due for a repost. Enjoy m'dears...
Sit back. Let me simply admire you in that suit, just home from work. No, don't get up, I like kneeling between your legs, my head resting on your thigh while we discuss our days apart from each other. Those text messages you sent me were...enticing. I nearly ran to the bathroom at work and fingered myself, but instead I sat at my desk, pressing my thighs together to try and assuage the ache between them in the hot, wet folds there. I squirmed and rocked on my chair while I read your texts over and over, telling me all the things you would do to me. They drove me wild and I couldn't wait to get home.
No, don't touch, I just want to unzip your pants and pull them down around your ankles. Already hard, huh? Mmmmm, I love when you whisper that you've been hard for me all day--that you were hard when you wrote those texts. I should have known, you're like my very own animal always ready and willing. Just like me, my pussy is always hot for you, always ready to be filled by your fingers, your tongue, your cock.
Did that hurt? That little bite to your thigh? Good, it was just a tease. I love your thighs, naked beneath my hands while I run them up and down, not quite grazing your cock which I'm mesmerized by as it bobs up and down the slightest bit of precum leaking from the tip. Good, I like that you aren't quite ready.
My fingertips trace up the sides of your cock as I kiss along your thighs, caressing you and tasting you with my tongue. I like not touching your cock right away, not tasting you quite yet. Letting my anticipation build as much as yours does. I can already feel the heat gathering between my thighs, soaking my panties and making my pussy lips slide sensually together. I love the groans you give me when I tell you I've shaved myself bare for you.
I taste your balls first, giving little licks to the sac between your thighs, hanging down low from your cock. That musky taste of them drives me wild, knowing it's your own taste on my tongue. I suck them into my mouth, letting my tongue play more fully and sucking on them ever so lightly. Hold yourself back from grabbing my head, from forcing me down onto you--you know I hate that, I need to take my own time. I need to drive you insane with it.
I cradle your balls in my hand, wet from my saliva, and place soft kisses along your cock, covering each inch of your taut, heated skin. Velvet-encased steel that feels so good on my lips. My tongue flicks out to touch that sweet little spot behind the head of your cock that I know drives you crazy, that I know will make you scream if I give it the proper attention. Finally...I hear you groan that one word when I take just the head of your cock into my mouth and suck sweetly on the tip, letting that hot precum leak onto my tongue. Now you are pressing me down, thrusting up with your cock at the same time, trying to force your cock deeper, but I'll have none of that. Even though it makes my pussy throb to know that I can drive you so wild with need for my mouth that you feel the need for more, faster, I pull your hands away, and push your hips back down, letting the head of your cock pop from my mouth. I scold you with my eyes, but ruin it with a laugh. You smile, slightly annoyed but mostly amused--you love the tease as much as I do. Your head falls back as you beg me for more, and I'm only too happy to oblige.
The head, an inch, another, another, another...soon I have taken in all of your inches, gagging slightly on your cock and pulling back to breathe more easily. I know you like that little gag that you haven't fucked out of me yet, and I don't mind providing it to you, to hear you groan loudly and feel you shiver with desire at the sound of my slight discomfort. I bob my head up and down on your cock slowly, my tongue wrapping around your cock, my hand coming in to stroke the rest of your cock in time to my mouth's ministrations. That tangy, acrid precum is coming out more quickly now, dripping onto my tongue with more regularity. I see your hands gripping the arms of the chair, white-knuckled, and I know you'll cum soon. I adjust one of your legs and straddle it as best I can to relieve some of the ache in my pussy, but I know I won't cum. Not like this. I just want to enjoy it as you cum for me.
I suck the head again, adding a couple extra inches to suck on you, sucking harder until I feel your cock begin to twitch and then I hit that spot with the tip of my tongue--that spot that drives you wild--as I squeeze your balls lightly and taste that hot, sticky cum spurting onto my tongue, hitting the back of my throat it comes out with such force, and drink it down. The sound of you groaning, shouting my name, and the feel of you grabbing my hair to keep my mouth on your cock (as if I would release you now) makes me shake with desire and I squeeze my legs together knowing my time will come.
You release my hair, spent. I lick up the last traces of cum on your cock, and lick my lips of the salty taste of you, sitting back and watching your eyes drift shut, your chest still heaving with exertion.
Then you tackle me, taking me completely by surprise as you throw me to the floor and begin ripping off my pants. "Your turn..."
Last night I was looking for porn to get off to, and really wanted to see an awesome video of a woman sucking a man's cock. Amateur for sure, and just watching her enjoying it as much as I feel I would. Doing that to Naughty, and just making him cum even when I couldn't (like when I was at school), always made me so damned wet. I adored describing it so much and knowing how to drag it out, and then just what to do that always seemed to set him off.
I got a whole heck of a lot of comments on this following "story" on Always On Erotica, and it is definitely one of my proudest acheivements in the erotica category, so I think it is due for a repost. Enjoy m'dears...
Sit back. Let me simply admire you in that suit, just home from work. No, don't get up, I like kneeling between your legs, my head resting on your thigh while we discuss our days apart from each other. Those text messages you sent me were...enticing. I nearly ran to the bathroom at work and fingered myself, but instead I sat at my desk, pressing my thighs together to try and assuage the ache between them in the hot, wet folds there. I squirmed and rocked on my chair while I read your texts over and over, telling me all the things you would do to me. They drove me wild and I couldn't wait to get home.
No, don't touch, I just want to unzip your pants and pull them down around your ankles. Already hard, huh? Mmmmm, I love when you whisper that you've been hard for me all day--that you were hard when you wrote those texts. I should have known, you're like my very own animal always ready and willing. Just like me, my pussy is always hot for you, always ready to be filled by your fingers, your tongue, your cock.
Did that hurt? That little bite to your thigh? Good, it was just a tease. I love your thighs, naked beneath my hands while I run them up and down, not quite grazing your cock which I'm mesmerized by as it bobs up and down the slightest bit of precum leaking from the tip. Good, I like that you aren't quite ready.
My fingertips trace up the sides of your cock as I kiss along your thighs, caressing you and tasting you with my tongue. I like not touching your cock right away, not tasting you quite yet. Letting my anticipation build as much as yours does. I can already feel the heat gathering between my thighs, soaking my panties and making my pussy lips slide sensually together. I love the groans you give me when I tell you I've shaved myself bare for you.
I taste your balls first, giving little licks to the sac between your thighs, hanging down low from your cock. That musky taste of them drives me wild, knowing it's your own taste on my tongue. I suck them into my mouth, letting my tongue play more fully and sucking on them ever so lightly. Hold yourself back from grabbing my head, from forcing me down onto you--you know I hate that, I need to take my own time. I need to drive you insane with it.
I cradle your balls in my hand, wet from my saliva, and place soft kisses along your cock, covering each inch of your taut, heated skin. Velvet-encased steel that feels so good on my lips. My tongue flicks out to touch that sweet little spot behind the head of your cock that I know drives you crazy, that I know will make you scream if I give it the proper attention. Finally...I hear you groan that one word when I take just the head of your cock into my mouth and suck sweetly on the tip, letting that hot precum leak onto my tongue. Now you are pressing me down, thrusting up with your cock at the same time, trying to force your cock deeper, but I'll have none of that. Even though it makes my pussy throb to know that I can drive you so wild with need for my mouth that you feel the need for more, faster, I pull your hands away, and push your hips back down, letting the head of your cock pop from my mouth. I scold you with my eyes, but ruin it with a laugh. You smile, slightly annoyed but mostly amused--you love the tease as much as I do. Your head falls back as you beg me for more, and I'm only too happy to oblige.
The head, an inch, another, another, another...soon I have taken in all of your inches, gagging slightly on your cock and pulling back to breathe more easily. I know you like that little gag that you haven't fucked out of me yet, and I don't mind providing it to you, to hear you groan loudly and feel you shiver with desire at the sound of my slight discomfort. I bob my head up and down on your cock slowly, my tongue wrapping around your cock, my hand coming in to stroke the rest of your cock in time to my mouth's ministrations. That tangy, acrid precum is coming out more quickly now, dripping onto my tongue with more regularity. I see your hands gripping the arms of the chair, white-knuckled, and I know you'll cum soon. I adjust one of your legs and straddle it as best I can to relieve some of the ache in my pussy, but I know I won't cum. Not like this. I just want to enjoy it as you cum for me.
I suck the head again, adding a couple extra inches to suck on you, sucking harder until I feel your cock begin to twitch and then I hit that spot with the tip of my tongue--that spot that drives you wild--as I squeeze your balls lightly and taste that hot, sticky cum spurting onto my tongue, hitting the back of my throat it comes out with such force, and drink it down. The sound of you groaning, shouting my name, and the feel of you grabbing my hair to keep my mouth on your cock (as if I would release you now) makes me shake with desire and I squeeze my legs together knowing my time will come.
You release my hair, spent. I lick up the last traces of cum on your cock, and lick my lips of the salty taste of you, sitting back and watching your eyes drift shut, your chest still heaving with exertion.
Then you tackle me, taking me completely by surprise as you throw me to the floor and begin ripping off my pants. "Your turn..."
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Boycotting Valentine's Day?
Valentine's has never really bothered me until this year. I blame this 1) on Naughty, 2) on the fact that all of my friends have Valentine's this year (!), which I swear has never happened before, and 3) on the movie, "He's Just Not that Into You."
We all know why I blame Naughty, and the second one isn't hard to figure out...but it also goes back to number 1 anyway, because I probably wouldn't notice as much if it weren't for Naughty's defection.
For #3, I just saw that movie, and while I think it had some empowerment moments (i.e., you should never be the "rule" for a man and settle, you should be the exception to everything for the right man), it also had these moments of utterly destroying hopefulness. It was a movie that afterwards I thought, "I hate men right now. Hell, I sort of hate women too. I hate dating. It sucks, it's stupid, and men play way more games with a woman than a woman could ever play with a man (and we let them! And expect it!)."
It was a movie that also shows that men have way more power than women. Yes, partially because we let them.
I walked out pissed as all hell at Naughty, and pissed at my friend Ingrid for the shit she pulls on her boyfriend, and pissed at my friend ChaCha for the same thing (she and Ingrid tend to treat their boyfriends kind of shabbily), and pissed at the movie for taking away all of the good things I was still thinking about Naughty. Makes me feel like I was foolish to believe anything he said--at least for probably the last six months of the relationship. There weren't really any mixed signals for the first six months, I knew there was love and delight in me and he cared deeply for me. But the last six months...? Ah, the last six months were a veritable smorgasbord of mixed signals, and I had to make a whole hell of a lot of excuses for him much of the time. Now, I can't say he didn't care for me, because I don't think that just goes away, and I would still say now that he cares for me, but that movie definitely made me think he wasn't into me like I was into him.
I really hate that it made me think that because I am quite a bit of an optimist, and frankly I LIKE being an optimist. I don't think I run into the naive territory, but I definitely err on the side of optimism versus negativity. I spent quite a bit of time in my life being a bit cynical, and wrapping that around myself in many ways as a protection, but I always felt a bit mean and a bit ridiculous being as cynical as I was and I feel like between Naughty and that damned movie I am moving back into the world of cynicism.
It makes my heart hurt to be that cynical. It makes me want to cry most of the time, that that is something that was taken away from me (even if it is temporary--and I have enough optimism left in me to believe it will be). I'm still feeling angry and weepy because of the whole situation...and Valentine's sure as hell doesn't help when their seems to be a bombardment of romantic movies and things all over the place that I never really noticed in years past.
Weepy, cynical, and angry...is it any wonder I'm trying to boycott thoughts of Valentine's this year?
We all know why I blame Naughty, and the second one isn't hard to figure out...but it also goes back to number 1 anyway, because I probably wouldn't notice as much if it weren't for Naughty's defection.
For #3, I just saw that movie, and while I think it had some empowerment moments (i.e., you should never be the "rule" for a man and settle, you should be the exception to everything for the right man), it also had these moments of utterly destroying hopefulness. It was a movie that afterwards I thought, "I hate men right now. Hell, I sort of hate women too. I hate dating. It sucks, it's stupid, and men play way more games with a woman than a woman could ever play with a man (and we let them! And expect it!)."
It was a movie that also shows that men have way more power than women. Yes, partially because we let them.
I walked out pissed as all hell at Naughty, and pissed at my friend Ingrid for the shit she pulls on her boyfriend, and pissed at my friend ChaCha for the same thing (she and Ingrid tend to treat their boyfriends kind of shabbily), and pissed at the movie for taking away all of the good things I was still thinking about Naughty. Makes me feel like I was foolish to believe anything he said--at least for probably the last six months of the relationship. There weren't really any mixed signals for the first six months, I knew there was love and delight in me and he cared deeply for me. But the last six months...? Ah, the last six months were a veritable smorgasbord of mixed signals, and I had to make a whole hell of a lot of excuses for him much of the time. Now, I can't say he didn't care for me, because I don't think that just goes away, and I would still say now that he cares for me, but that movie definitely made me think he wasn't into me like I was into him.
I really hate that it made me think that because I am quite a bit of an optimist, and frankly I LIKE being an optimist. I don't think I run into the naive territory, but I definitely err on the side of optimism versus negativity. I spent quite a bit of time in my life being a bit cynical, and wrapping that around myself in many ways as a protection, but I always felt a bit mean and a bit ridiculous being as cynical as I was and I feel like between Naughty and that damned movie I am moving back into the world of cynicism.
It makes my heart hurt to be that cynical. It makes me want to cry most of the time, that that is something that was taken away from me (even if it is temporary--and I have enough optimism left in me to believe it will be). I'm still feeling angry and weepy because of the whole situation...and Valentine's sure as hell doesn't help when their seems to be a bombardment of romantic movies and things all over the place that I never really noticed in years past.
Weepy, cynical, and angry...is it any wonder I'm trying to boycott thoughts of Valentine's this year?
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Happy Birthday to Me!!!
Today is my 25th Birthday! Oddly enough, it is also my 225th post. I know, that isn't really odd, but it is 225th, so we're going with it.
Please, no presents, I'm just too old for that (except from my parents and significant others of course--but apparently that will just be the former this year), but I always welcome well wishers! And, I actually have a sort of birthday present for all of YOU (excuse my ego for a minute--just push it out of the way), in the form of V-Month at The S Spot, where I am Cuntblogging Wednesday 34! It's already up too! I just adore Shay over there, I always learn so much from her. :-)
My birthday, as it is wont to do, turned into really a birthday week, rather than a birthDAY. Last Friday I went out to a delicious, fancy schmancy steak dinner with my parents and my two best friends here, Ingrid and Kaj. It was an amazing dinner, as it always is at that steakhouse, and while Ingrid, Kaj, and I tried to get up the effort to go out afterwards, Kaj was the only one who really made it to that. That much good food settling into my stomach just made me want to nap. I made it until midnight (which, granted was about three hours after dinner was done) before I finally had to just go home and sleep. The next day was another big day...
Saturday was my final (sad!) Law Prom for school, and I think it was the most fun I've had at a Law Prom out of the three. It is also the first time I've had enough to drink to get just a little drunk in about two years. I was just at that everything-is-a-little-funnier stage, which felt surprisingly nice. I'm still not much of a drinker, but that bit was pretty nice for the most part. And I looked hot, even though I wore the same dress to Law Prom for all three years (!). Paris Hilton I am not. :-)
As for "other things" and those referring to a certain man formerly in my life, I am doing fairly okay. I haven't read any of his emails again (although I haven't yet been able to erase them entirely--but they are tucked away somewhere else and out of sight), and I am still not staying logged online much at all. Sometimes I can't help logging on, but usually I log right off because there is a certain fear in him logging on and also because I am defintiely still in that anger zone at him. I was REALLY pissed last week after I watched the movie, "P.S., I Love You" (throughout which I sobbed...the entire time). It was a matter of being pissed at him that he didn't love me enough, that he didn't treat me well enough when he ended things, that he made me believe he loved me and could then just give me up completely for someone who didn't want him before. It makes me angry just thinking about it now.
Everything seems to make me think about the situation or reminds me of it at least. It hurts when I think about it still, because 1) I feel foolish, 2) everything between us I still question--I wonder if he didn't really think about me as a booty call and he only loved me as a friend. He had his romantic moments, his really adorable moments of acting like a good boyfriend, but there were a number of times when we (and I can't take myself out of this entirely, because I know I did it too) just cybered and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, I can't even hang onto the anger parts for that long (or at least not the really, really pissed off parts) because I know he did have all the good parts too, even if they weren't all the time, and even if I wanted more, but it still kills me that he didn't love me enough, when I deserved to be loved like crazy--like the be all and end all. Especially since that is what I gave to him. We didn't not talk about the future is the thing that kills me. It wasn't like we never discussed being together, living together, marriage and children (not tons and not in great detail, but I know I wasn't quite there anyway and we knew there was a couple years before that was going to be possible anyway, but we still discussed it as the idea of something that WOULD eventually happen).
Something I think is funny is that even though he was honest with me about things, he still managed to destroy my trust in him. I think so many people think that trust can only be taken away through lies, but going back on one's words--even if there wasn't ever a real lie--it still destroys trust. Ingrid has a problem with her current boyfriend where he lies over small things when he panicks, and even if they aren't big lies they still chip away at her trust for him. She loves him, and she can admit that finally, but she still doesn't trust him entirely to tell her the truth, and it makes her do things that are a little crazy to me.
But I wonder too if she doesn't have it right. She is somewhat manipulative, she plays weird games that I just can't understand, she gives her boyfriend shit over EVERYTHING and never lets him live ANYTHING down. She will bring up every minute lie he has told over and over and over and over. He knows he was the in the wrong and so do I, because he lied about the most idiotic things, but even I sometimes think, "How the hell does he stand it? I would feel like a shrew if I were her." But she also has him at her beck and call. He apologizes constantly, and he does let her know when he is fed up with her crap, but that is also pretty rare. He deserves a lot of it, but I would be ridiculously uncomfortable saying the things she says even if she ends up having him even more in the palm of her hand than ever.
In the same vein, I was listening to talk radio the other day about how to get a man that you want to marry (Cosmo radio) from the Millionaire Matchmaker, and that is to give a man boundaries and to sort of play games without actually playing games. One of the big things is not to have sex too early, and to never be a booty call. Having been booty call to Naughty before we developed past that I sometimes think it was foolish to have continued in that vein after we told each other we had more feelings than that. That was one of the other aspects of the discussion--don't you feel better if you haven't given a man the sex and it ends? I used to say that I was punishing myself as much as Naughty if I were to ever try and withhold any sort of sex, so I never really tried that, but I am sort of rethinking that in some ways.
I'm just in total man-hater mode now, and between my birthday and Valentine's all in the same week, without anyone to celebrate those with, I'm just feel craptastic. This week is quite a bit more unfortunate for me regarding the break-up than it was last week.
I just deserve so much better than this. Even knowing that though, it never really hurts less does it?
Ironically, I had another marriage dream about him last night. The wedding went much better than the last time I dreamt about that, although for some reason we always have issues with dealing with jobs and things once the marriage starts, in the dream. Ingrid would say that's a sign...maybe it is.
I'm just going to enjoy my birthday today (with Almond Cake--one of my favorites! Although all cake is my favorite), and enjoy my night out on Thursday night with my friends. Apps and drinks, and maybe seeing the movie, "He's Just Not that Into You"...I know, I'll prepare myself for another sobfest, but I'll probably be watching "PS, I Love You" again, so I am just preparing for a sobfest the entire weekend.
I think I'll get Valentine's for my friends too. They're the loves of my life at the moment anyway...and my dog, but she'd probably just eat a Valentine card. :-)
Please, no presents, I'm just too old for that (except from my parents and significant others of course--but apparently that will just be the former this year), but I always welcome well wishers! And, I actually have a sort of birthday present for all of YOU (excuse my ego for a minute--just push it out of the way), in the form of V-Month at The S Spot, where I am Cuntblogging Wednesday 34! It's already up too! I just adore Shay over there, I always learn so much from her. :-)
My birthday, as it is wont to do, turned into really a birthday week, rather than a birthDAY. Last Friday I went out to a delicious, fancy schmancy steak dinner with my parents and my two best friends here, Ingrid and Kaj. It was an amazing dinner, as it always is at that steakhouse, and while Ingrid, Kaj, and I tried to get up the effort to go out afterwards, Kaj was the only one who really made it to that. That much good food settling into my stomach just made me want to nap. I made it until midnight (which, granted was about three hours after dinner was done) before I finally had to just go home and sleep. The next day was another big day...
Saturday was my final (sad!) Law Prom for school, and I think it was the most fun I've had at a Law Prom out of the three. It is also the first time I've had enough to drink to get just a little drunk in about two years. I was just at that everything-is-a-little-funnier stage, which felt surprisingly nice. I'm still not much of a drinker, but that bit was pretty nice for the most part. And I looked hot, even though I wore the same dress to Law Prom for all three years (!). Paris Hilton I am not. :-)
As for "other things" and those referring to a certain man formerly in my life, I am doing fairly okay. I haven't read any of his emails again (although I haven't yet been able to erase them entirely--but they are tucked away somewhere else and out of sight), and I am still not staying logged online much at all. Sometimes I can't help logging on, but usually I log right off because there is a certain fear in him logging on and also because I am defintiely still in that anger zone at him. I was REALLY pissed last week after I watched the movie, "P.S., I Love You" (throughout which I sobbed...the entire time). It was a matter of being pissed at him that he didn't love me enough, that he didn't treat me well enough when he ended things, that he made me believe he loved me and could then just give me up completely for someone who didn't want him before. It makes me angry just thinking about it now.
Everything seems to make me think about the situation or reminds me of it at least. It hurts when I think about it still, because 1) I feel foolish, 2) everything between us I still question--I wonder if he didn't really think about me as a booty call and he only loved me as a friend. He had his romantic moments, his really adorable moments of acting like a good boyfriend, but there were a number of times when we (and I can't take myself out of this entirely, because I know I did it too) just cybered and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, I can't even hang onto the anger parts for that long (or at least not the really, really pissed off parts) because I know he did have all the good parts too, even if they weren't all the time, and even if I wanted more, but it still kills me that he didn't love me enough, when I deserved to be loved like crazy--like the be all and end all. Especially since that is what I gave to him. We didn't not talk about the future is the thing that kills me. It wasn't like we never discussed being together, living together, marriage and children (not tons and not in great detail, but I know I wasn't quite there anyway and we knew there was a couple years before that was going to be possible anyway, but we still discussed it as the idea of something that WOULD eventually happen).
Something I think is funny is that even though he was honest with me about things, he still managed to destroy my trust in him. I think so many people think that trust can only be taken away through lies, but going back on one's words--even if there wasn't ever a real lie--it still destroys trust. Ingrid has a problem with her current boyfriend where he lies over small things when he panicks, and even if they aren't big lies they still chip away at her trust for him. She loves him, and she can admit that finally, but she still doesn't trust him entirely to tell her the truth, and it makes her do things that are a little crazy to me.
But I wonder too if she doesn't have it right. She is somewhat manipulative, she plays weird games that I just can't understand, she gives her boyfriend shit over EVERYTHING and never lets him live ANYTHING down. She will bring up every minute lie he has told over and over and over and over. He knows he was the in the wrong and so do I, because he lied about the most idiotic things, but even I sometimes think, "How the hell does he stand it? I would feel like a shrew if I were her." But she also has him at her beck and call. He apologizes constantly, and he does let her know when he is fed up with her crap, but that is also pretty rare. He deserves a lot of it, but I would be ridiculously uncomfortable saying the things she says even if she ends up having him even more in the palm of her hand than ever.
In the same vein, I was listening to talk radio the other day about how to get a man that you want to marry (Cosmo radio) from the Millionaire Matchmaker, and that is to give a man boundaries and to sort of play games without actually playing games. One of the big things is not to have sex too early, and to never be a booty call. Having been booty call to Naughty before we developed past that I sometimes think it was foolish to have continued in that vein after we told each other we had more feelings than that. That was one of the other aspects of the discussion--don't you feel better if you haven't given a man the sex and it ends? I used to say that I was punishing myself as much as Naughty if I were to ever try and withhold any sort of sex, so I never really tried that, but I am sort of rethinking that in some ways.
I'm just in total man-hater mode now, and between my birthday and Valentine's all in the same week, without anyone to celebrate those with, I'm just feel craptastic. This week is quite a bit more unfortunate for me regarding the break-up than it was last week.
I just deserve so much better than this. Even knowing that though, it never really hurts less does it?
Ironically, I had another marriage dream about him last night. The wedding went much better than the last time I dreamt about that, although for some reason we always have issues with dealing with jobs and things once the marriage starts, in the dream. Ingrid would say that's a sign...maybe it is.
I'm just going to enjoy my birthday today (with Almond Cake--one of my favorites! Although all cake is my favorite), and enjoy my night out on Thursday night with my friends. Apps and drinks, and maybe seeing the movie, "He's Just Not that Into You"...I know, I'll prepare myself for another sobfest, but I'll probably be watching "PS, I Love You" again, so I am just preparing for a sobfest the entire weekend.
I think I'll get Valentine's for my friends too. They're the loves of my life at the moment anyway...and my dog, but she'd probably just eat a Valentine card. :-)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Moving Forward...Slowly
Well, one full week has come and gone following the Naughty debacle (I prefer that to referring to any sort of breaking-up: such an ugly turn of phrase). Am I still a bit down about the whole thing? Yeah, definitely. Yesterday was particularly crap-tastic, since it was one week since, and because it was a Monday--which really just makes all other things worse, frankly.
Funnily enough, last night I also had a dream about Naughty. In the dream, we got married (I have had three or four dreams about that PS--and the weddings themselves are always a little crazy and never go quite perfectly) and were living together after. It was the wedding and then the few days after or something like that. I was definitely happy about the marriage in the dream, although I was annoyed at how things weren't going according to plan (makes sense--I'm a bit of a perfectionist in my normal life too, why not in my dream life?).
I logged on this morning to MSN.com and what is the first thing that catches my eye? "Weird Dream? See what it means!" Turns out that getting married (and being happy about it) in a dream indicates something really good is going to happen soon to you, possibly even a marriage. Dreaming about an ex-lover? It could be 1) they are thinking about you extensively and sending telepathic wavelengths your way, and/or 2) you have unresolved questions about the lover and nothing was completely resolved.
Christ. Really? Ya think? I told Ingrid about it and she said, "Well of COURSE you still have unanswered questions and things that aren't resolved!!! Hell, I have about a hundred questions I want to ask him myself!" I won't lie, I do wish he was longing for me at the moment, but I'm putting a lot more stock in the second one than the first. If for no other reason than my sanity.
So, I'm looking forward to something really good happening soon. :-)
Again, I have to give big dollops of thanks to everyone out there who has been helpful for the last week-plus. The guys who wrote me nice notes about how awesome and sexy I am, and The Naughty One who has been a total rock and was super awesome this weekend looking at different kinds of porn that we are both interested in on XTube from across the state lines (it's a very weird variation on guy fantasies that, I would imagine--of course, I have cyber threesomed with her a few times, so this is pretty normal for us I would guess). And, inadvertently the following two bloggers have helped me get some general perspective, even without knowing they were helping--so thanks to PixiePie (that particular entry--especially the first couple paragraphs--really gave me some good perspective) and David (TNO sent me that link--and it is good not only for me right now, but for life in general I think). Ingrid and my cousin Cake have also been super helpful, because even though I am not willing to hate they know how to hate just enough for me to make me laugh with the shit they come up with. :-)
I didn't think I would ever think this, but frankly the distance between us makes this whole thing just way easier on me. I never have to worry about seeing him as long as I don't give into looking at any pictures of his that I have (and I have yet to do that).
I am still in MEGA-horny mode though. Holy crap. Yesterday is the only day out of the last five where I haven't been just itching to frig myself silly. The Naughty One is partially to blame, because we share some kinks and so we were looking them up on Xtube the other day and I got so completely turned on the whole time! I kept telling her, "Geez! I have got to cum soon!" I wasn't even playing with myself either. I waited until after I got offline and then came my brains out for awhile. So delicious.
Normally it takes a two or three weeks for one of my batteries on my favorite toy (a little pocket rocket that only takes one battery) to go out, depending on how often I am playing with myself, but I seriously destroyed that thing this weekend. I put a new one in on Wednesday I think and it is getting towards dead mode now. You know I love creampie videos...just imagining the guy cumming so deep inside of my pussy and it leaking all out.
*shudder* I have to stop talking about it. I watched them this afternoon too, and it was just delicious. There was this one guy that made videos of him cumming inside of a woman, and he really gets vocal when he cums...and let me tell you, that drives me right over the edge when I hear a really vocal guy getting off. Oh wow. I mean, there is nothing better than hearing a guy cum while seeing him cum. I love seeing the guys cumming inside when their cocks are just far enough out of the woman's pussy that you see his cock pulsing over and over while he cums.
Damn, kills me.
Funnily enough, last night I also had a dream about Naughty. In the dream, we got married (I have had three or four dreams about that PS--and the weddings themselves are always a little crazy and never go quite perfectly) and were living together after. It was the wedding and then the few days after or something like that. I was definitely happy about the marriage in the dream, although I was annoyed at how things weren't going according to plan (makes sense--I'm a bit of a perfectionist in my normal life too, why not in my dream life?).
I logged on this morning to MSN.com and what is the first thing that catches my eye? "Weird Dream? See what it means!" Turns out that getting married (and being happy about it) in a dream indicates something really good is going to happen soon to you, possibly even a marriage. Dreaming about an ex-lover? It could be 1) they are thinking about you extensively and sending telepathic wavelengths your way, and/or 2) you have unresolved questions about the lover and nothing was completely resolved.
Christ. Really? Ya think? I told Ingrid about it and she said, "Well of COURSE you still have unanswered questions and things that aren't resolved!!! Hell, I have about a hundred questions I want to ask him myself!" I won't lie, I do wish he was longing for me at the moment, but I'm putting a lot more stock in the second one than the first. If for no other reason than my sanity.
So, I'm looking forward to something really good happening soon. :-)
Again, I have to give big dollops of thanks to everyone out there who has been helpful for the last week-plus. The guys who wrote me nice notes about how awesome and sexy I am, and The Naughty One who has been a total rock and was super awesome this weekend looking at different kinds of porn that we are both interested in on XTube from across the state lines (it's a very weird variation on guy fantasies that, I would imagine--of course, I have cyber threesomed with her a few times, so this is pretty normal for us I would guess). And, inadvertently the following two bloggers have helped me get some general perspective, even without knowing they were helping--so thanks to PixiePie (that particular entry--especially the first couple paragraphs--really gave me some good perspective) and David (TNO sent me that link--and it is good not only for me right now, but for life in general I think). Ingrid and my cousin Cake have also been super helpful, because even though I am not willing to hate they know how to hate just enough for me to make me laugh with the shit they come up with. :-)
I didn't think I would ever think this, but frankly the distance between us makes this whole thing just way easier on me. I never have to worry about seeing him as long as I don't give into looking at any pictures of his that I have (and I have yet to do that).
I am still in MEGA-horny mode though. Holy crap. Yesterday is the only day out of the last five where I haven't been just itching to frig myself silly. The Naughty One is partially to blame, because we share some kinks and so we were looking them up on Xtube the other day and I got so completely turned on the whole time! I kept telling her, "Geez! I have got to cum soon!" I wasn't even playing with myself either. I waited until after I got offline and then came my brains out for awhile. So delicious.
Normally it takes a two or three weeks for one of my batteries on my favorite toy (a little pocket rocket that only takes one battery) to go out, depending on how often I am playing with myself, but I seriously destroyed that thing this weekend. I put a new one in on Wednesday I think and it is getting towards dead mode now. You know I love creampie videos...just imagining the guy cumming so deep inside of my pussy and it leaking all out.
*shudder* I have to stop talking about it. I watched them this afternoon too, and it was just delicious. There was this one guy that made videos of him cumming inside of a woman, and he really gets vocal when he cums...and let me tell you, that drives me right over the edge when I hear a really vocal guy getting off. Oh wow. I mean, there is nothing better than hearing a guy cum while seeing him cum. I love seeing the guys cumming inside when their cocks are just far enough out of the woman's pussy that you see his cock pulsing over and over while he cums.
Damn, kills me.
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