I'm loaded down with homework this weekend (not that I haven't found a bit of time for some fun), but I did want to give a very heartfelt thank you to all the people who sent me such fabulous emails and comments that just boosted my confidence into the stratosphere.
My readers are just the best. ;-)
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Coming Back to Cumming
Well, thank goodness for small favors I suppose. I felt the need to get the ability to cum without feeling sick about it back more than anything. Maybe because it has run through my mind a lot of times that I felt used after the fact, that I feel like the fucking was more important to Naughty sometimes than anything else. I know, I know...I shouldn't be questioning, it'll just drive me crazy and devalue everything I had with him, but I think that's just a natural part of the grief process too. It isn't necessarily that I put a great deal of stock in things--although he did lose a whole hell of a lot of my trust in this thing--but the thoughts are there and I can't really deny them. I don't feel it all the time, but for some reason I just needed to take that part of me back and get over that sick feeling I had whenever I thought of sex.
As luck would have it, I am just at the beginning of PMS (I know, I'll get to the "luck" part of that), and I tend towards being ridiculously horny when I am PMSing. That has now started. Because I still felt sick over the whole thing on Tuesday when I came, I was determined to overcome that feeling, so I came last night. Was it great? No, but it was better than Tuesday. Did it make me want to throw up? No, although it didn't make me want to celebrate either. Mostly, I was sad after the fact. That isn't that much better than feeling sick frankly. I know that that is going to stick with me too. For awhile I am going to feel sad, because all of my best orgasms of the last year have been special and emotional and now they are not really much more than relief. I came again this morning, and it was better than the last two, so it is slowly coming back. I was still sad after it, but it felt more natural and I hardly gave a thought to Naughty during.
I did want someone on the other end though. By the time I was really into it and watching a video of double-penetration of a woman's pussy (which, oh my god is just so freaking hot--especially when it is a double-penetration AND creampie...you know how I love those) I frankly would have taken anyone, just someone telling me dirty things about how they would stick their cock deep in my pussy and keep pounding into me until they came deep inside of my pussy. No baby-making fetishes please, just the belief that a creampie can happen with zero side-effects. Not even necessarily any romantic words, just someone getting off quick and then being gone. At the same time, even though there were a couple people online who I would have asked I was too shy to. I couldn't quite bring myself to it, because even then I don't want to put myself out there for that...
As luck would have it, I am just at the beginning of PMS (I know, I'll get to the "luck" part of that), and I tend towards being ridiculously horny when I am PMSing. That has now started. Because I still felt sick over the whole thing on Tuesday when I came, I was determined to overcome that feeling, so I came last night. Was it great? No, but it was better than Tuesday. Did it make me want to throw up? No, although it didn't make me want to celebrate either. Mostly, I was sad after the fact. That isn't that much better than feeling sick frankly. I know that that is going to stick with me too. For awhile I am going to feel sad, because all of my best orgasms of the last year have been special and emotional and now they are not really much more than relief. I came again this morning, and it was better than the last two, so it is slowly coming back. I was still sad after it, but it felt more natural and I hardly gave a thought to Naughty during.
I did want someone on the other end though. By the time I was really into it and watching a video of double-penetration of a woman's pussy (which, oh my god is just so freaking hot--especially when it is a double-penetration AND creampie...you know how I love those) I frankly would have taken anyone, just someone telling me dirty things about how they would stick their cock deep in my pussy and keep pounding into me until they came deep inside of my pussy. No baby-making fetishes please, just the belief that a creampie can happen with zero side-effects. Not even necessarily any romantic words, just someone getting off quick and then being gone. At the same time, even though there were a couple people online who I would have asked I was too shy to. I couldn't quite bring myself to it, because even then I don't want to put myself out there for that...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Wanting to Hate?
I was told two times yesterday, "My god, you really are a nice person." Both in reference to this situation too. I'm not 100% if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
I'm not much of a hater. I can never quite bring myself to feel it fully. The reason for this is mostly that rather than it making me feel that much better it just makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach. I do strongly dislike Naughty right now. I strongly dislike his Ex. But actual hate is just out of my reach, and I don't know if I even really want to reach for it. It's like tasting blood--coppery and sickening. I had a pretty negative post up about being mad yesterday, but could only keep it up for about twenty minutes before I lost it and was just sad again. I deleted it, because it made me sick.
I don't want to believe that the entire last year was a joke. I don't want to believe that he didn't love me as much as I loved him...but part of me really does. He did some really sweet and nice things over the last year, and I never felt played during it, but now of course I do feel sort of played by him. I feel like I was used in some ways. Not the whole time, not before last June actually. But I have to wonder if he didn't see a really great chance to maybe get back with his Ex last summer when he decided to take care of her. I feel like an idiot for that time period, because I did believe him when he told me that he had no romantic feelings. After so much time not talking to her, either he had to have had romantic feelings back then or he's really willing to not worry about his feelings now and he just wants to have someone physically there.
Thankfully, Ingrid has gotten mad enough for about fifteen people. She has gotten raging mad for me actually. She is beyond offended for me too. Not to say I'm not offended, but it is a hell of a lot nicer having her feel it for me. I don't like crying about it, and I keep doing it, so the dead calm is a little nicer when I can grab onto it rather than some additional crazy emotion. I would love to be able to take off five or six days from school and just get over everything, and just be able to cry my eyes out for that length of time, but even though a couple of my classes I could probably get away with that in the other two I would be lost for the rest of the semester.
A couple things kill me about this, things that Ingrid pointed out to me when we talked about it. One of them is that, he didn't even discuss with his Ex what he was aiming for out of the relationship, and what he needed her to give, before he jumped at the opportunity to get rid of me and go back to her. He talked to me first, which granted was what he SHOULD have done (I've taken back the credit he gets for that frankly, because he would have been an asshole if he hadn't, and I'm sorry you don't get points for the things you are naturally supposed to do as a decent human being), but he really did makes this decision on a lot of whims--both hers and his. There was no discussion between them except that she said, "I want you back" and he dropped me to race back to her.
Another thing is that he had closed the discussion before we even really opened it. He had decided and absolutely nothing was going to change his mind when he logged on. His last words to me seemed rehearsed in a lot of ways, as did his first words regarding the topic. He couldn't "lose this chance with her." No problem losing a chance with me, but she's special.
I don't question my worth so much (although I do sort of feel used, and maybe even a little like he treated me like a fuck-buddy rather than a girlfriend so much--an exclusive fuck-buddy, but one nonetheless), but I do wonder if I shouldn't have picked more fights. I did good frankly. I'm a good girlfriend, I'm thoughtful and definitely can do the lady in the streets and a whore in the bedroom thing, but I'm not very confrontational, and sometimes I do give people too much the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean something that sort of bothered me. Ingrid told me that, and she knows because she admitted to being one of these girls, a lot of guys get taken in by the manipulative girls who are game-players. Who will fight over every little thing, even if it isn't a big deal to them. Who will deny themselves to the guy so that the guy has to work indefinitely for it. I am just not that girl. I don't usually like most girls who are that kind of girl. I think I used to be more cynical, and I can be sarcastic, but I am fairly happy-go-lucky and I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Oddly, I find that what she is to him, he is to me. First real love, first person I've really laid myself out for, and he threw me away. Far too easily frankly, no matter how much he claims it hurts him to do it, no matter how much he says he really thought about it. I don't think a week and a half is as much thinking as he believes--and since he cut off any and all discussion with me about it, and really didn't even discuss it with her and whether she was really willing to change, he didn't give it near as much thought as I would have had to...and he seriously didn't come out on the side that I would have. He's unwilling to even think about the fact that she threw him away...and yes I do see the similarities. Maybe in two years I would want to try again with him, but I don't know if I could trust him not to still want her if she isn't willing to work on it now.
I don't like to admit this, it doesn't make me seem like that great of a person, but frankly even though I am not a hater, I do still have enough malevolence to wish for him to get some comeuppance in this. I really do. That might be the one thing that would make me feel better right now. That he realize he was an utter and complete idiot and made a complete muck of things. Do I want her to shatter his heart? No, I don't have quite that much maliciousness in my heart--what's left of it--mainly because I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. It's not just humbling, it's physical and emotional and mental pain all together.
I still had that feeling of the idea of sex making me ill at the very thought, but I needed to purge a little last night and so I got myself worked up (took awhile) and eventually came. I'd wanted to squirt more and cum harder than I ever had with him. Prove something to myself I guess.
I nearly threw up afterwards. The feelings are still there, but the mental aspect is too hard to get over right now. I haven't even been able to read a romance novel in nearly five days. I won't even pick one up.
Maybe I'm giving him too much power with that, but I just feel disgusted with how much I gave to him and how little I meant that he couldn't give something equal back in return. I get the distance thing, at least as well as he did, but I was willing to work through that. Maybe he just wasn't.
Latest broken-hearted song I'm listening to: Rehab by Rhianna. Honestly, that is an ironically named song in this situation. I wish I were willing to share why, but I'm not. I still have privacy respect for people, I even took down some of the main info from the last entry.
I'm not much of a hater. I can never quite bring myself to feel it fully. The reason for this is mostly that rather than it making me feel that much better it just makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach. I do strongly dislike Naughty right now. I strongly dislike his Ex. But actual hate is just out of my reach, and I don't know if I even really want to reach for it. It's like tasting blood--coppery and sickening. I had a pretty negative post up about being mad yesterday, but could only keep it up for about twenty minutes before I lost it and was just sad again. I deleted it, because it made me sick.
I don't want to believe that the entire last year was a joke. I don't want to believe that he didn't love me as much as I loved him...but part of me really does. He did some really sweet and nice things over the last year, and I never felt played during it, but now of course I do feel sort of played by him. I feel like I was used in some ways. Not the whole time, not before last June actually. But I have to wonder if he didn't see a really great chance to maybe get back with his Ex last summer when he decided to take care of her. I feel like an idiot for that time period, because I did believe him when he told me that he had no romantic feelings. After so much time not talking to her, either he had to have had romantic feelings back then or he's really willing to not worry about his feelings now and he just wants to have someone physically there.
Thankfully, Ingrid has gotten mad enough for about fifteen people. She has gotten raging mad for me actually. She is beyond offended for me too. Not to say I'm not offended, but it is a hell of a lot nicer having her feel it for me. I don't like crying about it, and I keep doing it, so the dead calm is a little nicer when I can grab onto it rather than some additional crazy emotion. I would love to be able to take off five or six days from school and just get over everything, and just be able to cry my eyes out for that length of time, but even though a couple of my classes I could probably get away with that in the other two I would be lost for the rest of the semester.
A couple things kill me about this, things that Ingrid pointed out to me when we talked about it. One of them is that, he didn't even discuss with his Ex what he was aiming for out of the relationship, and what he needed her to give, before he jumped at the opportunity to get rid of me and go back to her. He talked to me first, which granted was what he SHOULD have done (I've taken back the credit he gets for that frankly, because he would have been an asshole if he hadn't, and I'm sorry you don't get points for the things you are naturally supposed to do as a decent human being), but he really did makes this decision on a lot of whims--both hers and his. There was no discussion between them except that she said, "I want you back" and he dropped me to race back to her.
Another thing is that he had closed the discussion before we even really opened it. He had decided and absolutely nothing was going to change his mind when he logged on. His last words to me seemed rehearsed in a lot of ways, as did his first words regarding the topic. He couldn't "lose this chance with her." No problem losing a chance with me, but she's special.
I don't question my worth so much (although I do sort of feel used, and maybe even a little like he treated me like a fuck-buddy rather than a girlfriend so much--an exclusive fuck-buddy, but one nonetheless), but I do wonder if I shouldn't have picked more fights. I did good frankly. I'm a good girlfriend, I'm thoughtful and definitely can do the lady in the streets and a whore in the bedroom thing, but I'm not very confrontational, and sometimes I do give people too much the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean something that sort of bothered me. Ingrid told me that, and she knows because she admitted to being one of these girls, a lot of guys get taken in by the manipulative girls who are game-players. Who will fight over every little thing, even if it isn't a big deal to them. Who will deny themselves to the guy so that the guy has to work indefinitely for it. I am just not that girl. I don't usually like most girls who are that kind of girl. I think I used to be more cynical, and I can be sarcastic, but I am fairly happy-go-lucky and I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Oddly, I find that what she is to him, he is to me. First real love, first person I've really laid myself out for, and he threw me away. Far too easily frankly, no matter how much he claims it hurts him to do it, no matter how much he says he really thought about it. I don't think a week and a half is as much thinking as he believes--and since he cut off any and all discussion with me about it, and really didn't even discuss it with her and whether she was really willing to change, he didn't give it near as much thought as I would have had to...and he seriously didn't come out on the side that I would have. He's unwilling to even think about the fact that she threw him away...and yes I do see the similarities. Maybe in two years I would want to try again with him, but I don't know if I could trust him not to still want her if she isn't willing to work on it now.
I don't like to admit this, it doesn't make me seem like that great of a person, but frankly even though I am not a hater, I do still have enough malevolence to wish for him to get some comeuppance in this. I really do. That might be the one thing that would make me feel better right now. That he realize he was an utter and complete idiot and made a complete muck of things. Do I want her to shatter his heart? No, I don't have quite that much maliciousness in my heart--what's left of it--mainly because I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. It's not just humbling, it's physical and emotional and mental pain all together.
I still had that feeling of the idea of sex making me ill at the very thought, but I needed to purge a little last night and so I got myself worked up (took awhile) and eventually came. I'd wanted to squirt more and cum harder than I ever had with him. Prove something to myself I guess.
I nearly threw up afterwards. The feelings are still there, but the mental aspect is too hard to get over right now. I haven't even been able to read a romance novel in nearly five days. I won't even pick one up.
Maybe I'm giving him too much power with that, but I just feel disgusted with how much I gave to him and how little I meant that he couldn't give something equal back in return. I get the distance thing, at least as well as he did, but I was willing to work through that. Maybe he just wasn't.
Latest broken-hearted song I'm listening to: Rehab by Rhianna. Honestly, that is an ironically named song in this situation. I wish I were willing to share why, but I'm not. I still have privacy respect for people, I even took down some of the main info from the last entry.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel
Well, although I may have been confused as to what Naughty would do this morning now it is clear as crystal...just not as pretty. He has a weird thing about not giving out too much information on blogs, and even though his version of "too much" differs a bit from mine and even though he just literally ripped my heart out of my chest and dropped it in the dirt (he tried not to stomp on it, but it still feels pretty well stomped) and so I shouldn't actually give a rat's ass about whether or not he fucking cares if I share too much information, I still won't do anything crazy like provide names or locations. Anyway, I'm still giving backstory...and it is going to be only less than my version of too much...and his ex-girlfriend? She's being referred to at The Bitch. I don't know her, but frankly I don't really care...for at least this entry (oh, and there will be many entries I have a feeling) she is going to be known thusly. I was actually going to go with something harsher, but I couldn't even get up the hate to do that. I know, that is very sad.
They had serious issues when they dated a few years ago, particular in the fact that their sexual desires were complete opposites (and since you've heard of our escapades, you can imagine where he was coming out on that problem). Do you think your sexual desires can change really drastically? I don't personally. I think your actual desires are set by around early twenties, at the latest. Whether you act on them by then is another issue, but really being highly sexual or not is not something I think can change.
She asked to get back together a week and a half ago now (PS--after telling him she's happy for the two of us). This past Friday, I found out. He had told me he had to discuss something important and left me worrying about it for a week--this was definitely one of the things that ran through my mind during that week, but I ultimately convinced myself that it wasn't going to be that. Don't ask me why.
Today he decides he has to give her another chance or he will regret it. He still loves me, he says (and honestly, I don't even really doubt it), but he wants to try and see if they can work things out. That she really needs to make some changes and they would really need to work on things, but that he wants to try.
The only credit he gets at all is that he told me first. It's not much at the moment, especially when I have turned a dark purple shirt white in parts from the salt of my tears. I sobbed for a good 15 minutes, I hyperventilated when I said good-bye to him. Literally, I had never hyperventilated before, but I was getting close to passing out.
Damn, I haven't even been able to refer to her as The Bitch.
Isn't it amazing what heartbreak does to our heads? Most of my venom is for her. She moved in on my (formerly now I guess) man. Something odd is that he didn't even try for "let's be friends." Granted, I would have been highly insulted if he had, but the way it was left was just so finalized. He doesn't plan on being online for awhile--I guess that means I don't need to worry about him reading this. Or any of the others that will undoubtedly come through.
He took away my sex too when he dropped me. Not the actual sex part, which granted I will miss, but that isn't what I'm talking about. The thing is, this afternoon I was feeling almost chipper. I was thinking, "Oh there is no way he will be dumb and go back to a girl who was foolish enough to break-up with him! He has to know better! And if he doesn't, this email that I have that was written in my calm moment where I pointed out the folly of this will convince him!" Pride goes before the fall. I should brush up on my Proverbs more often. The thing is, this afternoon when I was feeling so fucking vain, I was turned on as all hell. I was thinking, "Oh, he's going to choose me and god we are going to have sex and it is going to be so amazing and connected!" I was reading erotica and just dying for it when he logged on.
Now? The very thought of sex makes me ill. Yeah, I know...a sex blog without sex from the blogger. That ought to be real freaking interesting.
I feel like none of my breaths go deep enough to give me air. I feel like the littlest thing will make me shatter into a million pieces. Frankly, class tomorrow discussing marriage in Family Law ought to be a real laugh. There is this one line from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (shut up, I swear to god this is not the time) where Buffy and Angel break up and she tells her best friend, "I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying. I can't breathe. I feel like I can't breathe."
Welcome to my world at the moment. I am currently the walking dead. Nothing can penetrate me, except when a thought of Naughty rears its head and suddenly I can't breathe around my tears.
Like I said, welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel. I've checked in for awhile.
They had serious issues when they dated a few years ago, particular in the fact that their sexual desires were complete opposites (and since you've heard of our escapades, you can imagine where he was coming out on that problem). Do you think your sexual desires can change really drastically? I don't personally. I think your actual desires are set by around early twenties, at the latest. Whether you act on them by then is another issue, but really being highly sexual or not is not something I think can change.
She asked to get back together a week and a half ago now (PS--after telling him she's happy for the two of us). This past Friday, I found out. He had told me he had to discuss something important and left me worrying about it for a week--this was definitely one of the things that ran through my mind during that week, but I ultimately convinced myself that it wasn't going to be that. Don't ask me why.
Today he decides he has to give her another chance or he will regret it. He still loves me, he says (and honestly, I don't even really doubt it), but he wants to try and see if they can work things out. That she really needs to make some changes and they would really need to work on things, but that he wants to try.
The only credit he gets at all is that he told me first. It's not much at the moment, especially when I have turned a dark purple shirt white in parts from the salt of my tears. I sobbed for a good 15 minutes, I hyperventilated when I said good-bye to him. Literally, I had never hyperventilated before, but I was getting close to passing out.
Damn, I haven't even been able to refer to her as The Bitch.
Isn't it amazing what heartbreak does to our heads? Most of my venom is for her. She moved in on my (formerly now I guess) man. Something odd is that he didn't even try for "let's be friends." Granted, I would have been highly insulted if he had, but the way it was left was just so finalized. He doesn't plan on being online for awhile--I guess that means I don't need to worry about him reading this. Or any of the others that will undoubtedly come through.
He took away my sex too when he dropped me. Not the actual sex part, which granted I will miss, but that isn't what I'm talking about. The thing is, this afternoon I was feeling almost chipper. I was thinking, "Oh there is no way he will be dumb and go back to a girl who was foolish enough to break-up with him! He has to know better! And if he doesn't, this email that I have that was written in my calm moment where I pointed out the folly of this will convince him!" Pride goes before the fall. I should brush up on my Proverbs more often. The thing is, this afternoon when I was feeling so fucking vain, I was turned on as all hell. I was thinking, "Oh, he's going to choose me and god we are going to have sex and it is going to be so amazing and connected!" I was reading erotica and just dying for it when he logged on.
Now? The very thought of sex makes me ill. Yeah, I know...a sex blog without sex from the blogger. That ought to be real freaking interesting.
I feel like none of my breaths go deep enough to give me air. I feel like the littlest thing will make me shatter into a million pieces. Frankly, class tomorrow discussing marriage in Family Law ought to be a real laugh. There is this one line from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (shut up, I swear to god this is not the time) where Buffy and Angel break up and she tells her best friend, "I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying. I can't breathe. I feel like I can't breathe."
Welcome to my world at the moment. I am currently the walking dead. Nothing can penetrate me, except when a thought of Naughty rears its head and suddenly I can't breathe around my tears.
Like I said, welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel. I've checked in for awhile.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
If I were a Boy (part 1)
This about fits my mood.
If I Were a Boy - Beyonce
(taken down)
Ok, so why the heck did I take it down? Cause I'm feeling slightly better, slightly more hopeful, and I also realized the fact that it makes him sound like he actively did something bad, which he hasn't...yet.
I'm still feeling a bit downtrodden, but mostly because I don't know what is going to happen. I vascillate between being confident that everything is going to work out for us...and then I have moments where I worry myself into an ulcer (and I already had to deal with one of those--not literally--last week). The only benefit of that is that I stop eating almost entirely because my stomach tightens up painfully for days. Bad side? I also can't sleep very well.
I know, I know, this is completely nonsensical. I'm just not ready to explain the whole thing to the world yet. A select few people know what has been going on, and that is all I'm ready to share at the moment--possibly indefinitely.
There will...eventually...be an actual post about "If I were a Boy" because one of my readers asked me what I would do if I had a penis. It made me laugh and think of this, because I just adore Shay over there are The S Spot. She's even posting a special CBW of me on my birthday--coming up in just 2 1/2 weeks. Ok, so it's for V-Month and I submitted it myself, but still...she's posting on my birthday all the same!
*sigh* I am lonely for Him (hint: it's not God I'm talking about). :-( And no, not just in a sexual way.
If I Were a Boy - Beyonce
(taken down)
Ok, so why the heck did I take it down? Cause I'm feeling slightly better, slightly more hopeful, and I also realized the fact that it makes him sound like he actively did something bad, which he hasn't...yet.
I'm still feeling a bit downtrodden, but mostly because I don't know what is going to happen. I vascillate between being confident that everything is going to work out for us...and then I have moments where I worry myself into an ulcer (and I already had to deal with one of those--not literally--last week). The only benefit of that is that I stop eating almost entirely because my stomach tightens up painfully for days. Bad side? I also can't sleep very well.
I know, I know, this is completely nonsensical. I'm just not ready to explain the whole thing to the world yet. A select few people know what has been going on, and that is all I'm ready to share at the moment--possibly indefinitely.
There will...eventually...be an actual post about "If I were a Boy" because one of my readers asked me what I would do if I had a penis. It made me laugh and think of this, because I just adore Shay over there are The S Spot. She's even posting a special CBW of me on my birthday--coming up in just 2 1/2 weeks. Ok, so it's for V-Month and I submitted it myself, but still...she's posting on my birthday all the same!
*sigh* I am lonely for Him (hint: it's not God I'm talking about). :-( And no, not just in a sexual way.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Martyr Me Now
Sometimes I can get a little annoying. Thank you, thank you, you are all so sweet to say, "Rae?! You?! Never! I can never imagine you being anything but absolutely adorable and sweet and kind to people and all of the world's creatures. I bet you even capture and release spiders."
Sorry to disappoint you, but I squish spiders. They scare me. They're creepy crawlies and they have eight legs. That is just wrong. I do feel bad if I step on earthworms when its rains, but mostly I just feel creeped out that I got worm guts on my shoe.
But, there are times when I wonder if I'm being annoying because I am kind of a nice person. However, I don't think I'm that nice so I don't really worry about it. Mostly I get annoyed with myself for having gumption and grit, but never having it at the right times! I don't really get mad with anyone. I get sarcastic. I can get mean and sarcastic together. But I don't think other than one single time in my life, when my cousins were being supremely annoying, I have ever truly screamed my head off at someone or gotten into a really major fight.
The new movie, "Revolutionary Road" with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio (or, the Fantastic Duo as I like to call them--yes, I was in eighth grade when "Titanic" came out, so that means I saw it seventeen times in the theatre...ok, that is a slight exaggeration, it was only seven. That isn't an exaggeration), has one part in the trailer where they are arguing about something or another and all of a sudden you just see Kate Winslet screaming at the top of her lungs in what looks like utter and extreme frustration and helplessness. She conveyed that shit in a trailer! Brilliant.
I'm feeling a little like that. I feel a little bit like I need to start a fight, or just vent my frustrations on someone and am for some reason at a total loss of how to do it. I know this will surprise you since I talk in lengthy intervals on here, but I really don't like talking much about myself in my everyday life. It isn't a matter of not wanting to, not really. My good friends all know about Naughty, but unless I am specifically asked I don't discuss him, and when I do it is generally for about three minutes and then I'm done. The only times when I have actually volunteered information about him without being asked was when I first told my friends about him. Ingrid hasn't asked about him in...I don't even know how long because of her issues with her own guys in her life, but that seems to annoy me too. It annoys me because I don't just interrupt her and say, "Can we PLEASE discuss me for a second?"
I get like this a couple times a year. I am fairly emotional I think, but I don't show my deepest emotions. I have too much pride for my own good to give up information on my emotions that are the most important emotions. I don't like expressing if I have worries or whathaveyou, and then I think...what the fuck?! I'm not a goddamned martyr! They aren't anymore important than me! Why the hell aren't they asking me about me?!
I'm there right now, but I don't know what to do except step back and not even be around people because I don't want to blow up at anyone. I'm annoyed with boys, I'm annoyed with girls, I'm annoyed with my parents (although, surprisingly less so than usual--although I am quite annoyed with my dad because he's in such a high-level of work mode, a state which he LOVES mindyou, that nothing else is really relevant to him right now). And I just started back to school TODAY. Fabulous. I don't want to be around people and where am I? Classes.
The good news of the day though is: I got an A on my International Law final! Which means I got an A in my International Law class!!! Yes! Quite easily my proudest moment in law school.
Back to studying now...
Sorry to disappoint you, but I squish spiders. They scare me. They're creepy crawlies and they have eight legs. That is just wrong. I do feel bad if I step on earthworms when its rains, but mostly I just feel creeped out that I got worm guts on my shoe.
But, there are times when I wonder if I'm being annoying because I am kind of a nice person. However, I don't think I'm that nice so I don't really worry about it. Mostly I get annoyed with myself for having gumption and grit, but never having it at the right times! I don't really get mad with anyone. I get sarcastic. I can get mean and sarcastic together. But I don't think other than one single time in my life, when my cousins were being supremely annoying, I have ever truly screamed my head off at someone or gotten into a really major fight.
The new movie, "Revolutionary Road" with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio (or, the Fantastic Duo as I like to call them--yes, I was in eighth grade when "Titanic" came out, so that means I saw it seventeen times in the theatre...ok, that is a slight exaggeration, it was only seven. That isn't an exaggeration), has one part in the trailer where they are arguing about something or another and all of a sudden you just see Kate Winslet screaming at the top of her lungs in what looks like utter and extreme frustration and helplessness. She conveyed that shit in a trailer! Brilliant.
I'm feeling a little like that. I feel a little bit like I need to start a fight, or just vent my frustrations on someone and am for some reason at a total loss of how to do it. I know this will surprise you since I talk in lengthy intervals on here, but I really don't like talking much about myself in my everyday life. It isn't a matter of not wanting to, not really. My good friends all know about Naughty, but unless I am specifically asked I don't discuss him, and when I do it is generally for about three minutes and then I'm done. The only times when I have actually volunteered information about him without being asked was when I first told my friends about him. Ingrid hasn't asked about him in...I don't even know how long because of her issues with her own guys in her life, but that seems to annoy me too. It annoys me because I don't just interrupt her and say, "Can we PLEASE discuss me for a second?"
I get like this a couple times a year. I am fairly emotional I think, but I don't show my deepest emotions. I have too much pride for my own good to give up information on my emotions that are the most important emotions. I don't like expressing if I have worries or whathaveyou, and then I think...what the fuck?! I'm not a goddamned martyr! They aren't anymore important than me! Why the hell aren't they asking me about me?!
I'm there right now, but I don't know what to do except step back and not even be around people because I don't want to blow up at anyone. I'm annoyed with boys, I'm annoyed with girls, I'm annoyed with my parents (although, surprisingly less so than usual--although I am quite annoyed with my dad because he's in such a high-level of work mode, a state which he LOVES mindyou, that nothing else is really relevant to him right now). And I just started back to school TODAY. Fabulous. I don't want to be around people and where am I? Classes.
The good news of the day though is: I got an A on my International Law final! Which means I got an A in my International Law class!!! Yes! Quite easily my proudest moment in law school.
Back to studying now...
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Bow Down to Naughty...More pics!
You may thank Naughty for the suggestion that I needed to do pictures this week. Technically these are meant as HNTs, but alas it is now Saturday morning (12:25am) so we will just call these a special picture show for you. These are fresh pictures of my dildo--fresh from my just shaved pussy. No, no pictures of that...but I am licking off my creaminess.
Naughty and I got to play today...but I made him work for it a little longer than usual frankly--just because it was good fun to pretend that I am NOT pretty much slutty for him all the time. Luckily he played along. We did a "pool" scene, although by that time we had pretty much forgotten that we were even supposed to be in a pool and I was just begging him to relieve the pressure building. I squirted a LOT too, and kinda far (for me)...although the effect is sort of ruined when I'm at a slight angle and the squirt just ends up all over my leg rather than really squirted out. I thought for a bit that I was peeing, and just couldn't even care it was too amazing.
After a second time cumming he told me that I had to cum tonight and then showcase my creamy dildo and lick it off in pictures. And there it is below! Just thinking about it is actually making me horny again...I think I might get off again tonight. That would be four times today! I sort of realized today that I like foreign porn. The reason being that even if there is really god-awful acting, generally you don't know if you don't know the language! Brilliant! Now I can enjoy crappy porn and not even know its crappy. I can imagine that the acting and dialogue is really hot! Why did no one ever tell me this?
I had a bit of a jealous moment today too though. Naughty saw an ex-girlfriend at New Years (no he didn't kiss her at midnight...at least he better not have! I'll fly and there and kill him), and they saw each other again. It isn't unreasonable or really unexpected for him to see her, but still that green monster sure as hell came springing into action right fast! To top it all off I'm pre-period and post-holidays, which any girl can tell you means that you feel bloated (for two reasons!) and unattractive (again, for two reasons!)...so your man seeing an ex? Not exactly the best time of the month to hear about that. I cannot fault him for telling me, because I did recently write him and tell him that I'd rather fight over the honest information than have him lie and make me lose trust (Ingrid is having more drama over lies from the guy who is in love with her and idiotically keeps lying! And not always about important stuff--they are just silly, pointless lies that get him into more trouble!). Although, as nice as it is to try and be a grown-up and just deal with honesty, it still kinda sucks for those particular things!
I'll be over it in a few days, and do definitely agree that honesty is by far a better idea, but of course I'd still prefer if there was never a NEED for Naughty to be honest about having seen an ex-girlfriend. ;-) I know, I know...he can't be perfect 100% of the time. That would just get boring! (just kidding Naughty!) And everyone likes their signficiant other to be just a tish jealous on occasion right? Right?
Okay, okay...onto the pictures. :-)
Naughty and I got to play today...but I made him work for it a little longer than usual frankly--just because it was good fun to pretend that I am NOT pretty much slutty for him all the time. Luckily he played along. We did a "pool" scene, although by that time we had pretty much forgotten that we were even supposed to be in a pool and I was just begging him to relieve the pressure building. I squirted a LOT too, and kinda far (for me)...although the effect is sort of ruined when I'm at a slight angle and the squirt just ends up all over my leg rather than really squirted out. I thought for a bit that I was peeing, and just couldn't even care it was too amazing.
After a second time cumming he told me that I had to cum tonight and then showcase my creamy dildo and lick it off in pictures. And there it is below! Just thinking about it is actually making me horny again...I think I might get off again tonight. That would be four times today! I sort of realized today that I like foreign porn. The reason being that even if there is really god-awful acting, generally you don't know if you don't know the language! Brilliant! Now I can enjoy crappy porn and not even know its crappy. I can imagine that the acting and dialogue is really hot! Why did no one ever tell me this?
I had a bit of a jealous moment today too though. Naughty saw an ex-girlfriend at New Years (no he didn't kiss her at midnight...at least he better not have! I'll fly and there and kill him), and they saw each other again. It isn't unreasonable or really unexpected for him to see her, but still that green monster sure as hell came springing into action right fast! To top it all off I'm pre-period and post-holidays, which any girl can tell you means that you feel bloated (for two reasons!) and unattractive (again, for two reasons!)...so your man seeing an ex? Not exactly the best time of the month to hear about that. I cannot fault him for telling me, because I did recently write him and tell him that I'd rather fight over the honest information than have him lie and make me lose trust (Ingrid is having more drama over lies from the guy who is in love with her and idiotically keeps lying! And not always about important stuff--they are just silly, pointless lies that get him into more trouble!). Although, as nice as it is to try and be a grown-up and just deal with honesty, it still kinda sucks for those particular things!
I'll be over it in a few days, and do definitely agree that honesty is by far a better idea, but of course I'd still prefer if there was never a NEED for Naughty to be honest about having seen an ex-girlfriend. ;-) I know, I know...he can't be perfect 100% of the time. That would just get boring! (just kidding Naughty!) And everyone likes their signficiant other to be just a tish jealous on occasion right? Right?
Okay, okay...onto the pictures. :-)
Monday, January 5, 2009
Scrubbin'
I'm going to go out on a limb here I think, but I have to say that I have decided I really prefer the look of women when they are natural and even a little scrubby. "Scrubby" meaning that they have that bit of I-just-woke-up-from-a-great-sleep-and-rolled-out-of-bed.
I know, the whole faux look of "just rolled out of bed" is quite popular for hairstyles (still), but I like the one step further and think that comfortable just-rolled-out-of-bed look is great for women with their whole look.
This could easily be just because I hate getting dressed frankly. I didn't have to work this last week, and because it was pretty gross out I didn't leave the house much (yes, I had a week as a hermit--much more fun than you'd think), so basically I spent a week in pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt.
Granted, it wasn't always the best look, but one morning after sleeping really well, I woke up, put on these cute pajama bottoms I have that are long, dark blue and covered in small stars and moons. I threw my hair up in a high ponytail, and put on my new blue sweatshirt--and frankly I felt damned sexy that way.
This whole, dumb, silly post is because I saw pictures on Facebook of a girl that I know through my pole dancing and hip hop classes who is a catalog model. When I first met her she was quite fresh-faced (i.e., no makeup), with her hair up in ponytail on top of her head, and wearing super scrubby sweats. I thought she was so damned adorable. She has gorgeous eyes, and these beautiful, full lips (think Angelina Jolie--I love my lips, but hers were very bee-stung looking), and a cute little nose. Then I saw some pics she'd posted on Facebook of her catalog modeling shots and I went, "Oh...um, that isn't nearly as cute as she is in person." She had her full makeup, high heels, a short dress--and it just wasn't doing it for me at all.
I get that when we girls get dressed to the nines, playing up our features with great makeup and cute outfits it generally comes off really great. Naughty mentioned to me how amazing I looked one day when I had great makeup on with my black pushup bra on (could have been the bra), and wanted to know what the occasion was. It hadn't been anything but wanted to look pretty for him, and the effect was well worth it because he was pretty impressed, but he also tells me how beautiful I am when I'm just hanging out and have zero makeup, and am in my pajamas. Frankly, I like that response--although usually (from others) it comes in the package of "Wow Rae, you look really great!" And then I feel snarky and think, "And how do I look normally, you ass?"
Ok, ok...so it is just that I like to scrub out more often than not, but really I think girls look cute like that! Ingrid usually looks best to me when she is in no apparent makeup, her hair up or just regularly brushed out (she has the just-rolled-out-of-bed hair down pat), in a simple t-shirt and sweats too.
Maybe it's a girl thing. Give me your thoughts. When is a girl sexier or at least cuter? Sweats or dressed to the nines? Is it better when a girl is turning out the hot clothes and sexy makeup only once in awhile, or better when she goes scrubby only once in awhile?
I know, the whole faux look of "just rolled out of bed" is quite popular for hairstyles (still), but I like the one step further and think that comfortable just-rolled-out-of-bed look is great for women with their whole look.
This could easily be just because I hate getting dressed frankly. I didn't have to work this last week, and because it was pretty gross out I didn't leave the house much (yes, I had a week as a hermit--much more fun than you'd think), so basically I spent a week in pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt.
Granted, it wasn't always the best look, but one morning after sleeping really well, I woke up, put on these cute pajama bottoms I have that are long, dark blue and covered in small stars and moons. I threw my hair up in a high ponytail, and put on my new blue sweatshirt--and frankly I felt damned sexy that way.
This whole, dumb, silly post is because I saw pictures on Facebook of a girl that I know through my pole dancing and hip hop classes who is a catalog model. When I first met her she was quite fresh-faced (i.e., no makeup), with her hair up in ponytail on top of her head, and wearing super scrubby sweats. I thought she was so damned adorable. She has gorgeous eyes, and these beautiful, full lips (think Angelina Jolie--I love my lips, but hers were very bee-stung looking), and a cute little nose. Then I saw some pics she'd posted on Facebook of her catalog modeling shots and I went, "Oh...um, that isn't nearly as cute as she is in person." She had her full makeup, high heels, a short dress--and it just wasn't doing it for me at all.
I get that when we girls get dressed to the nines, playing up our features with great makeup and cute outfits it generally comes off really great. Naughty mentioned to me how amazing I looked one day when I had great makeup on with my black pushup bra on (could have been the bra), and wanted to know what the occasion was. It hadn't been anything but wanted to look pretty for him, and the effect was well worth it because he was pretty impressed, but he also tells me how beautiful I am when I'm just hanging out and have zero makeup, and am in my pajamas. Frankly, I like that response--although usually (from others) it comes in the package of "Wow Rae, you look really great!" And then I feel snarky and think, "And how do I look normally, you ass?"
Ok, ok...so it is just that I like to scrub out more often than not, but really I think girls look cute like that! Ingrid usually looks best to me when she is in no apparent makeup, her hair up or just regularly brushed out (she has the just-rolled-out-of-bed hair down pat), in a simple t-shirt and sweats too.
Maybe it's a girl thing. Give me your thoughts. When is a girl sexier or at least cuter? Sweats or dressed to the nines? Is it better when a girl is turning out the hot clothes and sexy makeup only once in awhile, or better when she goes scrubby only once in awhile?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Spanking New Year HNT
Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to 2009, I do hope it is a good one for everyone. I know most ended 2008 on a bit of a low note for economic reasons, so hopefully we will have some change with Obama in the US here.
Just for you (as a gift from Naughty...and me, of course) here is an exciting example of me spanking in the new year yesterday afternoon.
Oh, you want a preview of the amazing session of sex that I had with Naughty? It started out quite innocently (no! Really!) with us just catching up since we hadn't talked in a few days...then he said something just beyond delicious.
"You know, it's hard not to tell you that I want to come over and basically fuck you madly."
Well, really...what can a girl say to such a lovely admission?
Teasing, total teasing. I asked him to tell me more about this craving of his. Ooooh, and he did. But I played it coy, and told him that maybe he was just feeling ill--his further admissions were really quite descriptive..."lust...burning desire...insatiable...animalistic...craving you, your body, your passion."
And pounding. I do love the idea of him pounding my body until my entire body is lifting off the bed (or whatever surface we may be on). I gave relief from the teasing then--telling him that my pussy was pulsing, my heartbeat moving lower into that sweet spot on my body that responds so well to my man.
It was then his turn to tease me...and he did, the cruel, cruel man (I know, double standard--and I like it that way *grin*). By the time he described slamming his cock into my pussy I was so primed I'm surprised I even lasted. Within about two and a half minute I was ready to squirt. It all happened very quickly after that. I didn't even have time to tell him that I had to cum, because it hit me so hard. I came as I was squirting (not tons...it wasn't a squirting porn film by any means) and I couldn't even scream because I was cumming so hard.
Mmmmm...what a way to ring in the new years. :-) Plus, I made him late to his new years evening because I came two more times in about thirty minutes. That's pretty close to a record for us I believe. Yay!
Happy spanking new year!
Just for you (as a gift from Naughty...and me, of course) here is an exciting example of me spanking in the new year yesterday afternoon.
Oh, you want a preview of the amazing session of sex that I had with Naughty? It started out quite innocently (no! Really!) with us just catching up since we hadn't talked in a few days...then he said something just beyond delicious.
"You know, it's hard not to tell you that I want to come over and basically fuck you madly."
Well, really...what can a girl say to such a lovely admission?
Teasing, total teasing. I asked him to tell me more about this craving of his. Ooooh, and he did. But I played it coy, and told him that maybe he was just feeling ill--his further admissions were really quite descriptive..."lust...burning desire...insatiable...animalistic...craving you, your body, your passion."
And pounding. I do love the idea of him pounding my body until my entire body is lifting off the bed (or whatever surface we may be on). I gave relief from the teasing then--telling him that my pussy was pulsing, my heartbeat moving lower into that sweet spot on my body that responds so well to my man.
It was then his turn to tease me...and he did, the cruel, cruel man (I know, double standard--and I like it that way *grin*). By the time he described slamming his cock into my pussy I was so primed I'm surprised I even lasted. Within about two and a half minute I was ready to squirt. It all happened very quickly after that. I didn't even have time to tell him that I had to cum, because it hit me so hard. I came as I was squirting (not tons...it wasn't a squirting porn film by any means) and I couldn't even scream because I was cumming so hard.
Mmmmm...what a way to ring in the new years. :-) Plus, I made him late to his new years evening because I came two more times in about thirty minutes. That's pretty close to a record for us I believe. Yay!
Happy spanking new year!
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