Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Today is my 25th Birthday! Oddly enough, it is also my 225th post. I know, that isn't really odd, but it is 225th, so we're going with it.

Please, no presents, I'm just too old for that (except from my parents and significant others of course--but apparently that will just be the former this year), but I always welcome well wishers! And, I actually have a sort of birthday present for all of YOU (excuse my ego for a minute--just push it out of the way), in the form of V-Month at The S Spot, where I am Cuntblogging Wednesday 34! It's already up too! I just adore Shay over there, I always learn so much from her. :-)

My birthday, as it is wont to do, turned into really a birthday week, rather than a birthDAY. Last Friday I went out to a delicious, fancy schmancy steak dinner with my parents and my two best friends here, Ingrid and Kaj. It was an amazing dinner, as it always is at that steakhouse, and while Ingrid, Kaj, and I tried to get up the effort to go out afterwards, Kaj was the only one who really made it to that. That much good food settling into my stomach just made me want to nap. I made it until midnight (which, granted was about three hours after dinner was done) before I finally had to just go home and sleep. The next day was another big day...

Saturday was my final (sad!) Law Prom for school, and I think it was the most fun I've had at a Law Prom out of the three. It is also the first time I've had enough to drink to get just a little drunk in about two years. I was just at that everything-is-a-little-funnier stage, which felt surprisingly nice. I'm still not much of a drinker, but that bit was pretty nice for the most part. And I looked hot, even though I wore the same dress to Law Prom for all three years (!). Paris Hilton I am not. :-)

As for "other things" and those referring to a certain man formerly in my life, I am doing fairly okay. I haven't read any of his emails again (although I haven't yet been able to erase them entirely--but they are tucked away somewhere else and out of sight), and I am still not staying logged online much at all. Sometimes I can't help logging on, but usually I log right off because there is a certain fear in him logging on and also because I am defintiely still in that anger zone at him. I was REALLY pissed last week after I watched the movie, "P.S., I Love You" (throughout which I sobbed...the entire time). It was a matter of being pissed at him that he didn't love me enough, that he didn't treat me well enough when he ended things, that he made me believe he loved me and could then just give me up completely for someone who didn't want him before. It makes me angry just thinking about it now.

Everything seems to make me think about the situation or reminds me of it at least. It hurts when I think about it still, because 1) I feel foolish, 2) everything between us I still question--I wonder if he didn't really think about me as a booty call and he only loved me as a friend. He had his romantic moments, his really adorable moments of acting like a good boyfriend, but there were a number of times when we (and I can't take myself out of this entirely, because I know I did it too) just cybered and that was the end of it. Unfortunately, I can't even hang onto the anger parts for that long (or at least not the really, really pissed off parts) because I know he did have all the good parts too, even if they weren't all the time, and even if I wanted more, but it still kills me that he didn't love me enough, when I deserved to be loved like crazy--like the be all and end all. Especially since that is what I gave to him. We didn't not talk about the future is the thing that kills me. It wasn't like we never discussed being together, living together, marriage and children (not tons and not in great detail, but I know I wasn't quite there anyway and we knew there was a couple years before that was going to be possible anyway, but we still discussed it as the idea of something that WOULD eventually happen).

Something I think is funny is that even though he was honest with me about things, he still managed to destroy my trust in him. I think so many people think that trust can only be taken away through lies, but going back on one's words--even if there wasn't ever a real lie--it still destroys trust. Ingrid has a problem with her current boyfriend where he lies over small things when he panicks, and even if they aren't big lies they still chip away at her trust for him. She loves him, and she can admit that finally, but she still doesn't trust him entirely to tell her the truth, and it makes her do things that are a little crazy to me.

But I wonder too if she doesn't have it right. She is somewhat manipulative, she plays weird games that I just can't understand, she gives her boyfriend shit over EVERYTHING and never lets him live ANYTHING down. She will bring up every minute lie he has told over and over and over and over. He knows he was the in the wrong and so do I, because he lied about the most idiotic things, but even I sometimes think, "How the hell does he stand it? I would feel like a shrew if I were her." But she also has him at her beck and call. He apologizes constantly, and he does let her know when he is fed up with her crap, but that is also pretty rare. He deserves a lot of it, but I would be ridiculously uncomfortable saying the things she says even if she ends up having him even more in the palm of her hand than ever.

In the same vein, I was listening to talk radio the other day about how to get a man that you want to marry (Cosmo radio) from the Millionaire Matchmaker, and that is to give a man boundaries and to sort of play games without actually playing games. One of the big things is not to have sex too early, and to never be a booty call. Having been booty call to Naughty before we developed past that I sometimes think it was foolish to have continued in that vein after we told each other we had more feelings than that. That was one of the other aspects of the discussion--don't you feel better if you haven't given a man the sex and it ends? I used to say that I was punishing myself as much as Naughty if I were to ever try and withhold any sort of sex, so I never really tried that, but I am sort of rethinking that in some ways.

I'm just in total man-hater mode now, and between my birthday and Valentine's all in the same week, without anyone to celebrate those with, I'm just feel craptastic. This week is quite a bit more unfortunate for me regarding the break-up than it was last week.

I just deserve so much better than this. Even knowing that though, it never really hurts less does it?

Ironically, I had another marriage dream about him last night. The wedding went much better than the last time I dreamt about that, although for some reason we always have issues with dealing with jobs and things once the marriage starts, in the dream. Ingrid would say that's a sign...maybe it is.

I'm just going to enjoy my birthday today (with Almond Cake--one of my favorites! Although all cake is my favorite), and enjoy my night out on Thursday night with my friends. Apps and drinks, and maybe seeing the movie, "He's Just Not that Into You"...I know, I'll prepare myself for another sobfest, but I'll probably be watching "PS, I Love You" again, so I am just preparing for a sobfest the entire weekend.

I think I'll get Valentine's for my friends too. They're the loves of my life at the moment anyway...and my dog, but she'd probably just eat a Valentine card. :-)