Wanting to Hate?

I was told two times yesterday, "My god, you really are a nice person." Both in reference to this situation too. I'm not 100% if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm not much of a hater. I can never quite bring myself to feel it fully. The reason for this is mostly that rather than it making me feel that much better it just makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach. I do strongly dislike Naughty right now. I strongly dislike his Ex. But actual hate is just out of my reach, and I don't know if I even really want to reach for it. It's like tasting blood--coppery and sickening. I had a pretty negative post up about being mad yesterday, but could only keep it up for about twenty minutes before I lost it and was just sad again. I deleted it, because it made me sick.

I don't want to believe that the entire last year was a joke. I don't want to believe that he didn't love me as much as I loved him...but part of me really does. He did some really sweet and nice things over the last year, and I never felt played during it, but now of course I do feel sort of played by him. I feel like I was used in some ways. Not the whole time, not before last June actually. But I have to wonder if he didn't see a really great chance to maybe get back with his Ex last summer when he decided to take care of her. I feel like an idiot for that time period, because I did believe him when he told me that he had no romantic feelings. After so much time not talking to her, either he had to have had romantic feelings back then or he's really willing to not worry about his feelings now and he just wants to have someone physically there.

Thankfully, Ingrid has gotten mad enough for about fifteen people. She has gotten raging mad for me actually. She is beyond offended for me too. Not to say I'm not offended, but it is a hell of a lot nicer having her feel it for me. I don't like crying about it, and I keep doing it, so the dead calm is a little nicer when I can grab onto it rather than some additional crazy emotion. I would love to be able to take off five or six days from school and just get over everything, and just be able to cry my eyes out for that length of time, but even though a couple of my classes I could probably get away with that in the other two I would be lost for the rest of the semester.

A couple things kill me about this, things that Ingrid pointed out to me when we talked about it. One of them is that, he didn't even discuss with his Ex what he was aiming for out of the relationship, and what he needed her to give, before he jumped at the opportunity to get rid of me and go back to her. He talked to me first, which granted was what he SHOULD have done (I've taken back the credit he gets for that frankly, because he would have been an asshole if he hadn't, and I'm sorry you don't get points for the things you are naturally supposed to do as a decent human being), but he really did makes this decision on a lot of whims--both hers and his. There was no discussion between them except that she said, "I want you back" and he dropped me to race back to her.

Another thing is that he had closed the discussion before we even really opened it. He had decided and absolutely nothing was going to change his mind when he logged on. His last words to me seemed rehearsed in a lot of ways, as did his first words regarding the topic. He couldn't "lose this chance with her." No problem losing a chance with me, but she's special.

I don't question my worth so much (although I do sort of feel used, and maybe even a little like he treated me like a fuck-buddy rather than a girlfriend so much--an exclusive fuck-buddy, but one nonetheless), but I do wonder if I shouldn't have picked more fights. I did good frankly. I'm a good girlfriend, I'm thoughtful and definitely can do the lady in the streets and a whore in the bedroom thing, but I'm not very confrontational, and sometimes I do give people too much the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean something that sort of bothered me. Ingrid told me that, and she knows because she admitted to being one of these girls, a lot of guys get taken in by the manipulative girls who are game-players. Who will fight over every little thing, even if it isn't a big deal to them. Who will deny themselves to the guy so that the guy has to work indefinitely for it. I am just not that girl. I don't usually like most girls who are that kind of girl. I think I used to be more cynical, and I can be sarcastic, but I am fairly happy-go-lucky and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Oddly, I find that what she is to him, he is to me. First real love, first person I've really laid myself out for, and he threw me away. Far too easily frankly, no matter how much he claims it hurts him to do it, no matter how much he says he really thought about it. I don't think a week and a half is as much thinking as he believes--and since he cut off any and all discussion with me about it, and really didn't even discuss it with her and whether she was really willing to change, he didn't give it near as much thought as I would have had to...and he seriously didn't come out on the side that I would have. He's unwilling to even think about the fact that she threw him away...and yes I do see the similarities. Maybe in two years I would want to try again with him, but I don't know if I could trust him not to still want her if she isn't willing to work on it now.

I don't like to admit this, it doesn't make me seem like that great of a person, but frankly even though I am not a hater, I do still have enough malevolence to wish for him to get some comeuppance in this. I really do. That might be the one thing that would make me feel better right now. That he realize he was an utter and complete idiot and made a complete muck of things. Do I want her to shatter his heart? No, I don't have quite that much maliciousness in my heart--what's left of it--mainly because I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. It's not just humbling, it's physical and emotional and mental pain all together.

I still had that feeling of the idea of sex making me ill at the very thought, but I needed to purge a little last night and so I got myself worked up (took awhile) and eventually came. I'd wanted to squirt more and cum harder than I ever had with him. Prove something to myself I guess.

I nearly threw up afterwards. The feelings are still there, but the mental aspect is too hard to get over right now. I haven't even been able to read a romance novel in nearly five days. I won't even pick one up.

Maybe I'm giving him too much power with that, but I just feel disgusted with how much I gave to him and how little I meant that he couldn't give something equal back in return. I get the distance thing, at least as well as he did, but I was willing to work through that. Maybe he just wasn't.

Latest broken-hearted song I'm listening to: Rehab by Rhianna. Honestly, that is an ironically named song in this situation. I wish I were willing to share why, but I'm not. I still have privacy respect for people, I even took down some of the main info from the last entry.