Martyr Me Now

Sometimes I can get a little annoying. Thank you, thank you, you are all so sweet to say, "Rae?! You?! Never! I can never imagine you being anything but absolutely adorable and sweet and kind to people and all of the world's creatures. I bet you even capture and release spiders."

Sorry to disappoint you, but I squish spiders. They scare me. They're creepy crawlies and they have eight legs. That is just wrong. I do feel bad if I step on earthworms when its rains, but mostly I just feel creeped out that I got worm guts on my shoe.

But, there are times when I wonder if I'm being annoying because I am kind of a nice person. However, I don't think I'm that nice so I don't really worry about it. Mostly I get annoyed with myself for having gumption and grit, but never having it at the right times! I don't really get mad with anyone. I get sarcastic. I can get mean and sarcastic together. But I don't think other than one single time in my life, when my cousins were being supremely annoying, I have ever truly screamed my head off at someone or gotten into a really major fight.

The new movie, "Revolutionary Road" with Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio (or, the Fantastic Duo as I like to call them--yes, I was in eighth grade when "Titanic" came out, so that means I saw it seventeen times in the theatre...ok, that is a slight exaggeration, it was only seven. That isn't an exaggeration), has one part in the trailer where they are arguing about something or another and all of a sudden you just see Kate Winslet screaming at the top of her lungs in what looks like utter and extreme frustration and helplessness. She conveyed that shit in a trailer! Brilliant.

I'm feeling a little like that. I feel a little bit like I need to start a fight, or just vent my frustrations on someone and am for some reason at a total loss of how to do it. I know this will surprise you since I talk in lengthy intervals on here, but I really don't like talking much about myself in my everyday life. It isn't a matter of not wanting to, not really. My good friends all know about Naughty, but unless I am specifically asked I don't discuss him, and when I do it is generally for about three minutes and then I'm done. The only times when I have actually volunteered information about him without being asked was when I first told my friends about him. Ingrid hasn't asked about him in...I don't even know how long because of her issues with her own guys in her life, but that seems to annoy me too. It annoys me because I don't just interrupt her and say, "Can we PLEASE discuss me for a second?"

I get like this a couple times a year. I am fairly emotional I think, but I don't show my deepest emotions. I have too much pride for my own good to give up information on my emotions that are the most important emotions. I don't like expressing if I have worries or whathaveyou, and then I think...what the fuck?! I'm not a goddamned martyr! They aren't anymore important than me! Why the hell aren't they asking me about me?!

I'm there right now, but I don't know what to do except step back and not even be around people because I don't want to blow up at anyone. I'm annoyed with boys, I'm annoyed with girls, I'm annoyed with my parents (although, surprisingly less so than usual--although I am quite annoyed with my dad because he's in such a high-level of work mode, a state which he LOVES mindyou, that nothing else is really relevant to him right now). And I just started back to school TODAY. Fabulous. I don't want to be around people and where am I? Classes.

The good news of the day though is: I got an A on my International Law final! Which means I got an A in my International Law class!!! Yes! Quite easily my proudest moment in law school.

Back to studying now...