Something got in my craw...

Okay, just to say it for no particular reason: I love the phrase "something's stuck in her/his/my craw." I don't know why I just do--and that's why I used it for this particular entry title.

It isn't that something is actually annoying me, but this has been something that I have been chewing on in the recesses of my mind for awhile. And it's two-fold: 1) I cannot believe how many people have a) not read romance and b) have a complete and utter misrepresentation of romance, and 2) (I knew what I was doing) I cannot believe how many people I know are uncomfortable with frank discussions about sex and sexuality.

Oh shit, this is going to be a five-paragraph format-length essay, I can just feel it.

To address the first topic, of how shocked I am that so few people (at least those that I know personally) read romance I don't even know why I am shocked about this. My friends are generally really great readers. In fact, out of most of the people that I know, my dad reads the absolute least of any of them (he does try, but he just can never sit down long enough to get through a book--unless it's by Warren Buffet or someone, and then he's all ear...er, eyes). But for how huge of a market the romance genre reaches I can't believe I don't know more than the one or two people who actually read it regularly. Oh sure, my mom and most of my friends have read maybe one book that would be considered "Romance" but I can't help thinking that it isn't a matter of them not actually liking the books, it's that they sort of find it taboo to read books that aren't necessarily "substantial" by standard terms. Romance revolves around (gasp!) romance. However, I've never found (most of) the romance novels I read to be dumbed down in any way. They are not (again, most of them) books with absolutely no substance, but because they are rarely an out-and-out response to the moral degradation of society and how to fix it, they are seen as "fluff," or "nothing books", or "beach reads", or (my personal favorite) "porn for women."

What?! I have heard all romance novels called all of those things. Not necessarily in a negative connotation always, but they are still wrong. One of my best friends, M, introduced me to some of her friends when I visited her out on the West Coast last year--and apparently she'd been talking about how I have decided to write romance novels--now I know that she did not actually use the term her friend used (because she gets hives even talking about sex sometimes...but more on that later), and it was meant in good humor, but it still sort of shocked me when M's friend's first words were, "So, I hear you write porn." I didn't have a problem with it, I laughed, I moved on, and then she introduced me to a guy that she had randomly met at the bar and said, "So, Rae writes porn." The guy's response? "Oh, really? I watch a lot of it." Okay, we all know my love of porn, but I probably wouldn't announce my love of it to a guy within the first twenty seconds of meeting him. Just not necessary information to have about a person when you have yet to learn his name.

There is such an odd taboo on romance novels that I do not understand. The first couple of romance novels I ever had were Harlequin Blaze novels. Which, I will completely and totally admit I did essentially use as "porn for women" (you know, before I actually discovered the glories of real porn). I never read the books, I simply found the sex scenes and used them as fantasy material when masturbating. I thank Harlequin for that in fact. Oddly, the last person who I would ever have thought would think having romance novels was cool happened upon them when he was looking for a flashlight or light bulb or something in my junk drawer--where I'd thrown my Blaze books. He held them up but didn't really say anything, and I blushed hardcore and said, "Boy, that's embarrassing." And he responded, "Why? That's not embarrassing. This however is." (he held up my DVD of the "Care Bears"--shut up! I was reliving my youth! "Care Bears" and "Strawberry Shortcake" both rocked, don't deny it). Any wonder I mooned after that man for about six months? He's still one of my best friends for (definitely) not only that reason, but he's probably been the biggest ego booster I've ever had in my life (maybe for another post about lost loves or something).

I just can't imagine why people have this taboo perception of romance. Books are entertainment. Even in non-fiction form, that is their purpose. I love all books (well, okay I'm not a huge non-fiction fan always), whether they are "heavy" philosophical Bibles like Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" (my favorite book ever), or are Harlequin Blaze (which I still read--and actually read now). One of the greatest female writers ever wrote romance novels...Jane Austen anyone? (I'm sure I'll have some people screaming "Blasphemer!" at me, but let's get real here--just cause they didn't have sex in them did not take them out of the romance genre. The women is the inspiration for most romance novelists in the world--Mr. Darcy is the romantic ideal!). Hell, even one of Ms. Austen's biggest detractors during the 19th century (Charlotte Bronte) wrote a great romance...perhaps not a conventional romance, but I still ultimately found Mr. Rochester to be sexy as hell, no matter how bad Jane Eyre/Charlotte made him sound.

Okay, onto my second point of the rant (let's not lie...this is ranting at it's best/worst/craziest/insert-your-adjective): how people are uncomfortable discussing sex and sexuality. So, here I am, Miss 23-year-old-virgin (nearly capitalized that and then figured that I don't actually want to be known like poor Mary with the "Virgin" attached to my name forever), and clearly I have little problem discussing masturbation, porn, sex, sexuality, all manner of things sexual. And just so you know, for the most part I am like this--to and extent--in real life. With my best friends I am always this frank, with most others I tend to be slightly more reserved. Notice "slightly" there. But, what I don't understand is how sex is still sort of a taboo subject. I can see masturbation, and even to a lesser extent porn, as they tend to be even more private than sex (I don't know, maybe it's the two person versus one person thing), but come on? Sex is not that big of a deal, especially when discussing it in general terms. Some of the most religious-centric people I know are more realistic about sex than some of the other people I know. Two of those latter people traveled with me in Europe. Kill me.

First story: the guy of the couple traveling with me and Annoying C, accidentally turned the television channel to something...less (or more depending on your perspective) savoury than he was prepared for. Most guys' reactions (guys that I know)? "Yes! Porn!" Even if they did have their girlfriends with. They would probably turn it off and not actually watch it long term, but they would not have an out and out mini-freak where they start insulting people. We'd been out that day, looking at postcards and other trinkety things to take home and I had found porny postcards that had images of guys doing girls, while doing themselves with a dildo, guys doing guys while doing themselves with a dildo, and just straight sex ones. Fun! I bought them, and I thought this guy was going to have an aneurysm. His eyes got so big and he kept saying, "I can't believe you're buying those!" It wasn't really accusatory though, so it seemed more like, "I haven't seen this side of you before," more than anything. So, he gets flustered (which I do understand) when he turns on the porn channel accidentally (and it wasn't the usual European just some titties porn channel it was the preview for the porn movies you could buy and the girl was giving a pretty impressive blow job to a pretty impressive cock), and then I start laughing hysterically because he can't switch it fast enough, but when he does he switches to the next porn channel! I'm crying I'm laughing so hard and he says, "Well I'm sure you'd just like to watch it!" Totally pissed at me. Maybe he thought I was laughing at him, but it was just sort of harsh and judgmental the way he said it.

It's freaking porn! It's funny! It's sexy! Even my mom thinks it's amusing! And she calls the romance novels I read, "Smutty." I know she doesn't mean it full out, because she has read her share of Nora Roberts and a few others I know.

His girlfriend got in on the action of getting all disgusted with me too. And the sad thing? I'm pretty sure they are having sex. Not 100%, but about 98.5% sure. It kind of makes me sad for their sex life. Isn't sex supposed to be fun? Isn't it supposed to be loving and caring (generally speaking) and about mutual satisfaction? Have I been led wrong somewhere along the way? Shouldn't the fun and excitement and pleasure be the most important thing, not whether or not some maybe-there deity is looking down and passing judgment? Let's not kid ourselves, sex was not nearly so taboo until Christianity came and reared it's judgmental head at everyone (oh, by the way--did I mention I'm not religious? Not quite atheist, but darned close).

And, if we do want to make that argument (for just about anything actually), my personal opinion is that if there is a god (the non-capitalization was intentional) isn't he or she going to be happier knowing that his or her creations are gaining pleasure from life and each other? Especially in a time where there is a shitload of turmoil going on?


Whoa, that wasn't supposed to turn religious (I get a little antsy going to a Catholic law school sometimes), or bordering on political there for a moment, but that's my take on things. Shit...I don't even know if I discussed all my point headings. Some English major I am.

Message me, let me know if I"m wrong about sex...I might just have to end up a spinster with lots of vibrators.

Follow up (four minutes later)

Sometimes it is so nice reading online blogs.

I just read a really romantic one that made my day from namesarehardtopick. Kind of picked me up out of my funk a little.

Plus I've now got "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia stuck in my head, and that's always good times.

Lonely...

I'm feeling quite lonely today. I tend to have this problem when my friends start getting involved with other people. My cousin, who I visited this weekend, has just gotten involved with a man as she likes to say, "Fifty percent older" than her. She's my age, he's in his mid-thirties. This isn't an issue to me, because I know that I need a guy older than me generally speaking--maybe not twelve years older, but at least a few years older than me--but she's pretty infatuated. Probably half-way in love with him actually.

I think I would be okay with that part of things, I wasn't feeling overly jealous or anything this weekend, but my best friend has also gotten recently involved. Ironically enough (well, to me) she's seeming very happy even though he is not her normal type and is actually younger than her--a first for her. She's pretty infatuated too. And he seems to be pretty good for her (at least from what I've heard), so today I'm feeling a little lonely.

Here's the problem though...I haven't really been in a position to meet many new people lately. Meaning in more than a year. I do not "shit where I eat," so I don't love the idea of getting involved with someone from my law school class--not that that would stop me if I really liked the guy, but I don't love the idea all the same. Especially when my class is less than 150 people. And they are gossip-hounds at my school (telling you, going to law school was like reverting to high school in a lot of ways). I think I'm just going to have to get out a little more this year.

The other problem is that when I get lonely like this, I get majorly down on myself. After feeling so good about myself last week...and actually continuing that feeling through the weekend (I fully credit "Hairspray" with that feeling--particularly the song, "Big, Blonde, & Beautiful"--even if I'm not blonde), I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. Maybe I should stop talking to my friends about their love lives. It has a very disparaging effect on my self-confidence.

You know, I'm actually feeling so crappy about it I'm not even going to go through the motions of blaming the shallowness of the opposite sex for not taking time to look past my looks (seriously, it's a favorite subject of mine once in awhile, I could go on for awhile--no offense meant to members of the opposite sex reading this, I'm sure you aren't like that), or even get all over myself about my weight. I can't quite get up the energy.

Let's hope I'm feeling better about this tomorrow...and that this isn't a sudden drop in my self-esteem for awhile. It happens from time to time, and it's about the worst feeling in the world.

The Internet is scary...

I truly am a posting fiend this week...or last two days at least. Whatever. Probably because I am now home, and bored out of my skull. Don't worry, we'll be back to that occasional--i.e. once a week--style posting soon enough once school starts again in two weeks (and if that isn't depressing, I don't know what is).

Anyway, I have been having a "sex" break in the blogging it seems...maybe I should change the name, since I do have a tendency to tangent and just write about whatever the hell I'm thinking, but that's okay. Writing and sexuality are probably still the main point of this whole thing.

Ironically, while I've been breaking in the "sex" blogging the last few posts I have been overwhelmingly relieved to finally be able to get off since I've gotten home. Obviously when the 'rents are in residence it can be a bit on the difficult side, because after more than a week of not being able to masturbate the barest touch is skyrocketing me into blissful screams (so relaxing), so I still have to be a little careful, but when they aren't home during the day that problem is quickly resolved.

This so wasn't going to be the point of my post, but alas we know I like to tangent (it is definitely a verb when I do it--I might be able to make it a sport in fact). Anyway, the point is about why I think the internet is scary--and sort of why I only (mostly) read sex blogs. I was actually reading one of the non-sex blogs that I read, Argumentum Ad Insaniam , which I will admit I decided to read because the name of its blogger made me laugh when I read his comments on Miss Belle's blog. He's witty, and I love his views on religion frankly. Again, not the point. But while I read that blog, it made me realize that I haven't really read many non-sexual blogs. Okay, okay, I'm cutting myself a little slack because I've really only started reading blogs this summer, and when I get on a kick about something I go crazy over it (I do this in damned near every aspect of my life actually), so it shouldn't probably surprise me that I have gotten on a kick about sex blogs. But then I got to thinking about why I would read mostly only sex blogs.

Honestly, I think one of the reasons for this is that the Internet kind of...well...scares me. Don't get me wrong. I love it as a research method, I love the anonymity of it in general, but actually interacting with people that I don't know over the 'Net still sort of gives me the willies. When I was about 14 my friends and I would visit chatrooms (frankly, I don't even know where you can find these anymore), and that is actually...and I haven't ever admitted this to anyone...where I first had cyber sex. I don't really think it was proper cyber sex, because I wasn't masturbating or anything (and I'm pretty sure the guy on the other end wasn't either--we were both having orgasms over and over again...and looking back on it, it was the least realistic sex scene ever--although it was still kind of hot, and it was in a "pool" which is still a fantasy of mine). Anyway, I had talked to this guy for about a week before this and after our little encounter, I was pretty freaked out. Other than to chat with my own brother when he was thousands of miles away (and before either of us discovered AIM, MSN Messenger, ICQ, whatever), I never stepped my cyber tootsies in another chat room. The experience of cyber sex at 14 was just a little too intense for me.

I still don't remember this guys screenname...started with an A I know. And my friend had talked to him for a long while online one night while we had a sleepover (a true guarantee that we were 14 right there), and seemed to have a bit of a crush on him, so maybe that didn't help the mild guilt I was feeling, but it seriously freaked me out pretty badly. And to this day is one of the reasons I get a little wary of the internet and interacting. I tried out Second Life after I heard about some of its more savory aspects (i.e. the sex toy shops and having sex with people on it)...not joking, after the first guy "spoke" to me I booked the hell out of there and haven't gone back into it.

I don't know, maybe I'm just not cut out for the cybersexxing world. Maybe I just need the complete and utter anonymity of blogging (well, if anyone I know reads about my sequel to "Sleeping Beauty" they will immediately know who I am...so mostly anonymity), but the immediate interface (okay, I know what I'm talking about, but that probably doesn't help you) of chat rooms and places like Second Life where there is no down time, no time to pull back really and simply say, "Okay, this is a bit too much for me" without actually having to break down your entire program...I don't know, it's just not for me.

In other news, I have missed my dog so ridiculously much. I'm definitely an animal lover (not to the extent of PETA and vegetarianism, but my pets are definitely family), so not having an animal around to pet and to give me unconditional love and to share in my sadness if I was sad (I wasn't when I was gone, but still...) was very disheartening. My dog's pretty awesome though. She's a total diva-princess mutt-husky animal, and definitely more spoiled than the average child, but we love her to pieces. Not going to lie, there is a fairly good possibility (although I own up to nothing) that I missed her more than my parents. She's pretty awesome that way.

Feeling friendly with my fat today...

Okay, so I absolutely hate the word "Fat." I have had it used against me far too often to ever enjoy the use of it--to ever not wince when it is used in general vocabulary. The last time it was used against me was when I was 14, and I was with two friends, including a boy that I liked at the time and his 5-year-old nephew (whom I babysat for) came up and simply said, "You're fat." No preview that it was coming, nothing. Just walked in the room and stated it matter-of-factly.

Needless to say, I was mortified. I left almost immediately, but not before the guy I liked went to tell his aunt what the 5-year-old had said and the kid was made to apologize to me in front of my friends. Double the mortification, and check. I'm pretty sure I cried for a couple hours after I got home.

Having said all that, and sort of depressing myself in the process, I am sort of in love with my "fat" today. I lost a fair amount of weight and toned up when I was abroad, because I obviously didn't have access to a car to drive around all the time and was walking at least a few miles everyday (one day it was about 16 actually), and on top of that I got really tan. So, as I look in the mirror and see the minor differences of even more definition in my cheekbones (seriously, I don't want to brag, but I'm kind of in love with my cheek bones--actually, I sort of love my whole face most of the time...I don't have a hot bod, but I do have a hot face), and a little less weight around my middle (not as much as I'd like obviously, but I can't be too choosy I suppose), losses in my neck area, better calves and thighs, and general overall shapliness, I'm kind of in love with my body.

In fact, I'm sort of having, what I would like to lovingly call a Miss Belle moment. I love that Belle loves her body so much--I greatly admire her for that, because there are so few women I know that can really enjoy there bodies in their entirely on even one day much less on a regular basis. So, today I'm having a fairly good day on the body issues--even wearing a tight-fitting tank with no bra (not my best look usually) and a pair of jeans. I'm in shlub mode today in fact, so the fact that I feel really awesome about that is pretty amazing.

I'm damned hot today, gotta love that.

Okay, so I don't really know anyone else in the "blogger" world...I'm a bit shy I guess (ha, yeah right), and haven't put myself out there to meet many yet. So I may have to just give out the advice, and leave it at that. The 10 person rule doesn't quite work for me, so we'll have to maybe have me do that on a different day...you know, when I've met some people.

Now, on with the rules. Read the list of GREAT advice from other bloggers. Then copy and paste the list into a new post, place an astrisk next to the ones that you like and then add the next number and a piece of advice of your own.

So here it goes...
1. Look, read, and learn. ******-http://www.neonscent.com/
2. Be, EXCELLENT to each other. ****-http://www.bushmackel.com/
3. Don’t let money change ya! ****-http://www.therandomforest.info/
4. Always reply to your comments.*****-http://chattiekat.com/
5. Develop your own "voice" don't "borrow" someone else's*****-Mizmouthy
6.If you don't have something to say, don't worry your loyal readers will wait*****-Oldfashionmomma-
7.Be yourself, don't be afraid to share who you really are *** -http://shibari-confessions.blogspot.com
8.Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. * http://steveisramblingagain.blogspot.com/
9. Be friendly, welcoming, open-minded and non-judgemental; others will hopefully be the same towards you.** http://insidedarkpixie.blogspot.com/
10. Let loose a little. We tend to be all a little anal thses days.* http://kittystiger.blogspot.com/
11. Don't be afraid to try new things and if it doesn't work then try something else. http://whatmyfriendsdontknowcanthurt.blogspot.com/
12. Don't waste your time on the people who will make you cry or are willing to break your heart--they will never be worth it.* http://raesalwayson.blogspot.com

Supposed to tag 10, but since Belle is the only one I know (and I've already tagged her), if anyone else happens to read this...You're it too! :-)

The more things change...(aka venting 101)

I'm not even sure if that's an appropriate title for this one (well, the second part is), but I'm tired after a 15 hour travel day (sadly, I am back home after my sojourn in the Mediterranean--god that sounds delightful, and it was, I promise), and don't want to think up anything else.

Let's see, the point of this post seems to be primarily about how my attitude changed while I was abroad. It always does, so that's never surprising, but it was interesting to have the opposite effect of what normally happens happen this time around. Sorry...talking in circles.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows the old adage that when you meet a person they can either become much more beautiful or much uglier after you have gotten to know their personality. Generally speaking, and I'm not proud of this necessarily, I tend to go through the first transition where men become more beautiful after I have gotten to know them (I mean, it isn't bad by any means--in fact it's good, but I do hate to sound like I'm judging them based on looks in the first place, since I hate people doing the same to me). In fact, I have never gone through the opposite side of things where men get uglier after I have met them (only had that happen with females I've known--and that can often happen within a few minutes of meeting them...okay, feeling a bit snarky after being perpetually surrounded by tiny, gorgeous Italian and Greek women for the last six weeks).

However, that has happened now. I have met a guy (surprisingly, it's "C" the guy whose hand I got turned on by holding only six short weeks ago), who has become less attractive now that I know him better. He's still cute in his way, but he has driven me insane for the last four weeks. It was fine at first, he was sort of funny and charming--but now he's neither. Now he's like an annoying younger brother, who cannot stop talking because he cannot stand the sound of silence. I think it's an insecurity thing, probably is in fact, but despite the fact that I feel bad if he's insecure, it still annoys the piss out of me that a) he cannot ever be silent for any length of time and b) he has to laugh after everything he says.

It may not seem like a lot, but after six weeks of it being a constant in my life, I'm insane. I have patience, quite a bit even, but I would have had to hurt the kid if I'd spent any more time with him alone.

Okay, vent done...for now. I just need to sleep for about twenty-five hours. :-)